Sorry. I haven’t been writing a lot for awhile. I have had some changes in my life. Some good. Some bad. But I guess that is how life goes.
But I am trying to be ok with the negative stuff. And not let control me as much. If tho it is hard to do because of my anxiety and depression. But I am trying.
Even tho I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. But every one says I am. I just don’t feel it.
I still can’t see what other people see in me. Why people see so much good in me. I don’t see it at all.
At this point I rather just be homeless then live here.
It is just too loud and there is way to much stupid drama.
And I just super sick of It. I just want some god damn quiet and that is never going to happen. Fuck.
There are many people living here and I hate that too. It just people going in and out all hours of the day.
I don’t even want to go there anymore. I try to find things to do So I don’t have to go back.
I’m grateful they let me live there. I just can’t do it anymore.
I will probably just live in my car for awhile because I don’t know what else to do.
What is one more time of saying goodbye? What is one more time of realizing not more how hard you try you still couldn’t save them? That you can never save them?
I shouldn’t even feel this hurt. I shouldn’t be this confused about my feelings. I don’t even feel alive right now. I just feel numb.
I did cry for a while. Then the dull numbness set in. And I can’t shake it.
I tried to but I can’t. It stuck to me like a leech.
I can’t this to myself anymore.
I can’t sit here and worry about you all the time.
I can’t just wait for you to maybe answer me.
I can’t do it anymore.
I still want you and I still need you.
But this shit is killing me.
I have tried putting it all behind me
But your just constantly on my brain.
I can’t stop thinking about you
I can’t stop wondering if you are ok.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I have tried moving on.
I tried to forgot.
I wish I had all the words to express how I feel. But I just don’t.
This horrible lingering I don’t even know what it is anymore. Loneliness but it’s not really that. It’s a weird mixture of depression, anger, regret, worry, and numbness.
There isn’t the right word for it. My emotions are just made so much more intense because of my sleep. Well more the lack of sleep.
But sleeping has always been a struggle for me. Probably will always be a struggle.
And then a rogue message from that person. Well just made me realize other things.
I guess things never change.
Even tho I am with someone else.
I feel kinda bad. A little.
I’m officially have turned into that weird stalker..i mean like i haven’t followed anyone home. It is more of I need to know they are ok. Then actual stalking. I’m sure they don’t even know which is for the better. I need to stop tho.
Tonight has just been weird. Got a weird message. Got a weird feeling. I don’t know. Mix with being tired and not being able to sleep. Might go for a drive. Need to just clear my head.
I feel like I’m over worrying about people. I don’t know why I am so attached to them but I am.
And then my mom got really sick and of course the other half that helped make me was there. And I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. Mostly because I’m not what he wanted me to be and I’m not who he wanted as a child. In his eyes I am a failure. I am nothing.
And I just have to remember that his thoughts don’t have to affect me. His words of hate don’t have to affect me. I can chose to ignore his hate. I can chose how it will impact my life. Those are not his choices but mine.
I just am really tired lately from worry and just stress. And it being winter doesn’t help.