Letting go

I know you read my blog sometimes. And since you won’t talk to me. This is the only way I can get thru to you. 

I tried to be friends.  I wanted to be friend with you again. But I realize I can’t be.  I guess I was always hoping you would grow out of your feelings for me but I don’t think you ever will. 

And right now I have a boyfriend who I love more then anything. And I am trying really hard not to ruin this one. And I am working on getting my life to a good place. 

And I realize I can’t do that being friends with you. You know to much about my past. And I don’t you using that against me. I’m not saying you will but that fear is still there. 

Me and my mom are finally working on things and it makes me so happy we are. 

I finally found a little place in this world where I feel like I belong. I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. 

But like with everything else. I have to let you go. I need to let all of my past go. And it not easy for me to write this because I don’t want to let you go but I know I need to. 

I just hope you don’t blame yourself. Because its not your fault. I just want you to be happy. I want us to be happy and the only way that is going to happen is if I let you go.

I hope you find happiness in your life and I hope you find a great person to be with. And I hope you don’t go back to how you used to be and you stay happy Alex. 

Family

I have never been as happy as I am now. Me and my mom have finally started making a relationship. A good relationship. She has been supportive about all that is going on. And I am also respecting that it is going to take a while for her to get use to me being a female now.  But I am happy she is trying. I also meet her new boyfriend. Who is a super sweet guy. And I am happy that she is finally happy. 

I hope so ready to see where our relationship is going in the future. I see nothing but positivity ahead for us. 

So once again thank you mom. I am happy you are trying to be a positive force in my life. And that we are trying to fix our broken relationship. So thank you and I love you. 

It is amazing what having support from people you care and love can do. The road forward isn’t going to the smoothest road ever. But I am happy for my boyfriend and all of my friends. 

I have learned self acceptance can be the best thing in the world. I finally feel like my life has meaning. Like I am not living a lie anymore. I feel happy for one. A real happy. 

I am happy I can be me finally. I don’t need to keep this secret anymore. I am finally learning to love myself.  

I decided on Karter. I love that name. No clue why but when I say it; it feels like it should have always been my name. It makes smile. 

I can’t wait for this journey to begin. 

Maybe the one

I think I found the one. I mean he knows nothing about my past but maybe that is for the best.  I am probably won’t ever tell him about this blog I probably won’t ever tell him about my past.  Its probably good.

For my sanity I can’t say anything about it. It will scare him off if I did. But is it lying if I don’t? Would I be manipulating our relationship if I didn’t?

I just really don’t want to tell him. He will think I am a monster. And I don’t want someone else to think that. Because I am not a monster.

I just want this to work out. God I want this so bad.

Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.

Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.

Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.

 

 

Hi

I don’t know why I care to write this. I don’t think I’m doing any good. I am not doing good. I just want to die.

I have tried to kill myself so many times and failed so many times.

I just want my old friends back and my old life back. I want to walk with others as equals. I want to find some one I can love. And do mine who loves despite all my flaws. And my bad past. I just want humans contact again. I miss being hold. I miss talking to people. I miss a lot of things. I miss just things I have no business missing.

I miss I don’t know any more. Nothing helps. No treatments make it better. No medicines help. My brain doesn’t want to get better even tho I do. And I try.

I am still sober for some reason. I haven’t done any drugs. I haven’t drank any alcohol. I am still clean. Maybe that is why I am still miserable.  I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now.