I have new sleeping pills and they do not work. I still am only sleeping for a few hours a night. And I still am having horrible nightmares.
My insomnia controls my life and what I want to do that day. Some days I can barely leave my bed and function. And other days I feel like I have so much energy, I can’t seem to sit still. And then sometimes it’s somewhere in the middle of the two.
I have tried everything to sleep better. And I mean everything, from medicine to home remedies. And I am starting to feel the effects from not sleeping a lot and it really started to affect my health. And it seems like it doesn’t help my mental health ever. I am at a point of giving up on ever having a real nights sleep
I want to talk about a very serious topic. I want to talk about cutting. I know a lot of people say that people who do it are attention seekers and being whiny. And that’s not true at all. I was one of those people who cut all the time. And no one would have ever caught me if I remembered to lock the bathroom door. My cutting was a very secretive thing and I cut in places where no one else could see the marks. Cutting for me is a thing to calm down and make me know that I am still human and I am still alive. The calming thing only last for a way and then panic ensues and it starts over again and again. Cutting is a horrible cycle to get caught in. Some people stop for a long time and then they get right back in it. I stopped for almost 7 months before everything started getting so chaotic inside my head that I could not take it anymore. And I started cutting again. It started again with little cuts and now every time I do it, it gets worse and worse. I get this sick feeling after I do it. And I feel guilty for doing it. It’s a terrible addiction and it just as bad to quit. When I try to quit I get the shakes and the chills. I get urges to do it and my skin is just asking me to rip it open and let my skin breathe. And it feels like my body is going thru hell when I try to quit. It’s a real hard cycle to break and it gets harder every time you start again and stop again. I am not an attention seeker at all. I did not start this for attention. I started this for control and to help calm the demons in my head.
So one of other friends found and started to lecture me on my friend needed me and that I needed her. And how hurt she was that I was doing this. Inside it feels like the right thing to do at this time and this might not be permeant thing. So now my mind is really confused and just feeling really frustrated that no one understands why I want to do this. And it really hurts that my other friends are trying to make it seem like I’m some kind of horrible monster. I do feel a little bit of guilt for doing it to her. But I have fix this problem inside of me before I can even think about trying to be friends. And it makes me feel like I’m just sinking into my lonely sea of depression because I just know that I’m losing that support from her and possible him. And even he is trying to play that guilt card on me and trying to make me be super best friends with her again. But I think our friendship has been damaged and falling apart for a long time and we both have been in denial about it. And I think this that final thing that has made me want to stop trying to fix this and make back to what it was when we were teens. I have burned a lot of bridges in my life time but I think this is the worst that I have done.
The hardest part of my day so far has been to tell my best friend that I can’t be her anymore just due to the fact that she is with someone I like. And it is not because I hate her or anything like that. I am doing damage control before it happens. Before that monster inside my head finds a way to pick lock its way out of his cage again and ruins everything…again. It’s not easy to make that call and just stop being friends with someone who has been there thru all your craziness and still accept you for who you are. My anger gets bad when I see my friends happy with someone else and I don’t know why this but I end up ruining a lot of peoples relationship either with me or them as couple. And knowing this, I think just being friends with both of them right now would not be a good choice.
I have debated for a long time making a blog. So maybe someone could find a little ray of hope in their life and keep on living. This is blog will be mostly on my ups and downs of struggling with my mental illness and dealing with my sometimes confusing and intense emotions. I just hope someone can relate.