Nowhere to go

I don’t know how to put what I feel into words. It’s so confusing. And I want to talk to my two friends but they hate me.

I miss them so much. I just want to go jump off a building or something. I’m so down and lost right now. I feel this emptiness and it is shallowing my soul and all the good thoughts. Eating the happiness. Eating all my love . Just eating all of it.

I just want to scream and hit someone. But I also just wanna sleep and not wake up.

Somewhere in the middle

Even tho things feel like they are getting better; they feel like they are getting worse. It hard to tell what I feel right now. Like I’m not sure if I’m happy or just numb. Or if I sad.

It this problem telling the difference between this feelings that is making me so hard on the outside. And I feel bad because I want this relationship to work out. I want us to feel happy together and stuff.

I just don’t know what I am going to do right now. Because now I feel like I rushed into this. And I’m going to ruin it because I can tell the difference between my feelings that are in my head from the ones in my heart.

It so confusing.

The ups

I decided to try to date my friend. For the best and the worst. I just hope we don’t end up hurting each other.

I hope I don’t drive him away and make him feel like shit because he decided to be with me. I hope I don’t mess it up. I hope I can learn to relax and not freak out over little things that are not my way.

Well here is to the ups and the hopefully far off downs.

Addiction

Another day of life by the drop.
I pray to lord, help me stop.

I awake in pain, feeling shame.
Knowing soon again I’ll play the game.

For the brief second with my self.
Before I walk over to that shelf.

I stop and think of all the things I do.
And the people I hurt while drinking booze.

I grip the bottle o’ so tight.
I won’t let go until the night.

All these thoughts rush through my head.
Loves and pride and things I once said.

I know it’s from the former me.
The one that can no longer be.

It hits me hard, I cannot cope.
So drink until I start to choke..

Day to day, I live like this.
High to high and kiss to kiss.

I hope one day, the drunk will let me out.
And never again will I drink and shout.

Until that time I’ll drown and hate.
I just hope that’s not my final fate.

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/drinking-into-the-night#ixzz3PzqYRAWw
Family Friend Poems

I found this poem and it is how I feel about my problem

Just living to breathe

I don’t want I am living for anymore. I am just living to breathe. I don’t know what I’m trying to do. I fix one thing and then all hell breaks loose.

I just can’t keep doing this again and again. It’s a never ending cycle. And I try to break it but it just sucks me right back in. I’m so scared. And I’m so lost.

I don’t want to just live to breathe.

And if I am not able to fix any of this, I don’t see the point in trying anymore.

Dealing with everything

Today a friend of mine decided to try to push to much. He decided it was time for me to get over my anxiety about stores and people. And he tricked me into going to Walmart and I started panicking in the parking lot before we even got out of the car. I couldn’t breath. I was sweating. I was not doing good. And of course he felt really bad. And i said some really mean things when we left and I finally calmed down. I’m not happy about this.

I hate being that panicked because the world just because a big blur and I feel like passing out.

After I calm down I realize how embarrassing it is to have these panic attacks and I hate them. I wish could make them stop.