Feelings

The one thing I hate is feeling vulnerable. It is one of the scariest feeling ever.  

My CBT does that on purpose to help with the complusions and to show to me that it is ok to be that way. And it also shows me how to deal with the anxiety and to deal with it. Also sort of learn to be comfortable with it and just push thru it because it will come down. 

Doing this type of therapy has shown me a lot and so far has taught me a lot . It is showing me new ways to cope with my anxiety and to have a normal like life. But it also is so easy to slip back into old habits. But I hope with these new skills, it will be easier to manage. 

I really hope I can get over hating the feeling of being vulnerable and just learn to be open with people. And maybe eventually learning to trust people again but now I will just focus on one thing at a time. 


Take my time learning new ways to live a healthier life and for ways to start loving myself.  

Thoughts

I’m trying really hard to not post on this all the time but I have something to get off my chest.  

Even with all the therapy I’m going thru right now, I still can’t find that little spark of hope. And I still really can’t figure who I am. And even tho I push myself probably harder then I should, I’m still struggling. All I can do is go to work and therapy because I’m so exhausted from both of them. But I will just try harder and hope it will be ok. 

I just need to remember that bad things will pass too. And eventually the light will shine into the darkness and show you the way to a better tomorrow. 

Losing someone

So I haven’t been able to be on here for awhile. That is because I lost a close friend of mine to suicide. It has been very hard processing this.

It hurts that he would leave us like that. And after everything we promised each other. And just everything he has helped me thru.

I feel just lost and angry. I also feel so confused. I kinda feel like this is my fault, like I missed something.

I mostly started this blog for him. He is the one who encouraged me to share my life with others. And to show them, they are not the only one out there who feels this things.

This has been extremely hard on me and all my friends. And also on his family. We will all miss him very much. And I hope he knows how much he love him.

Starting a new thing

So next week I’m starting cognitive behavioral therapy. And to honest, I’m scared but I’m also hopeful. Maybe this is my chance to work thru some stuff.

And I’m also really happy about it. And I know it’s going to be a lot of hard work. And I’m going to have to learn to push myself. And I guess we will see how this turns out in the end.

For once I see a hopeful future. 🙂

Nightmares

I been having vivid nightmares about someone attacking me and of my one of boyfriends suicides. And the worst part is if I can’t wake myself up and no one is around, I sleep walk and I tend to hurt myself.

And I have tried home remedies. Pills. Doctors. Sleep studies. Everything anyone would do.

It’s between staying awake or sleeping and hoping I wake up.

My options

Today was actually a very neutral day for once. It wasn’t bad and it wasn’t good. But it this rare days, that I get a clear view of my life and where it’s headed.

And after thinking about the past couple of months. And just reflecting on how last year went . I came to see where my future is going. And I really only see three options. And only two are really reachable.

My first option is checking myself into a hospital and just hoping someone can find some miracle cure for me.

My second option is just to keep on living like I am now. And just staying stuck in this rut.

My third option is death. Taking my life before I get worse and I know there will never be no true cure. And that this would be painless for me and for other people.

This is my three and I might have to chose soon. Before this turns into a bad or good night. But no one what I chose, it was my choice.

Living scared

After I got the crap beat out of me by an ex, I can’t even leave the house. Every time I do, I have such bad anxiety. It feels like I’m going to die .

I have bad chest pains and it’s hard to breath. And I feel dizzy and weak.

It sucks because I have this new friend and really like him. And I really scared that I’ll scare him away. And I told him about this and he said it was ok . But what you say over text and how you react in person is two different things.

And I also just don’t want to jump back into a relationship again. And he seemed fine with that too.

Maybe he has different intentions and I don’t know. I just want to be too paranoid about this. So we will see about this.