Missing 

so I heard today that a some what friend dissappered and our friend can’t find her. I’m a little upset about this for many reasons.

1. She has fallen off the wagon and starting drinking again. 

2. She been having a hard dealing with all the pressure that has been put on her.

3. Her only supportive family member is in prison for awhile.

4. She has bipolar and I know she hasn’t been taking her meds. 

I think I’m upset at myself, her, our friend she was staying with and at her boyfriend. I don’t get to talk to her that much so I only know what she kinda tells me and what I hear from other people. But those two talk to her a lot and I just can’t believe they didn’t catch on how I guess bad she was getting.  

And I think I’m kinda scared for her because I know when she drinks, she drinks to pass out. These whole thing is messed up. But she is an adult and it’s her choice and we can’t stop her from doing it really. 

Sorry I just needed to vent. Pray for her. 

Figuring it out 

I think I’m going to break for awhile. Not from this. But from my life. I have a lot of stuff to figure out. I need to figure out who I am so I can learn to start helping myself. I feel like therapy   had helped me. And writing on this blog has helped. But I was just reading thru it. And just I realize that I really don’t know who I am without these illnesses. That is a scary thought. 

The fact I have been living with them for so long that I lost myself. I just think it time for me to get away for things for awhile. Go soul searching I guess. Try to figure me out. 

I have been lost for so long and I think it is time to go find me. I’m not sure yet where I’m going to go. I just book a random flight to somewhere. I don’t know yet. But I want this to be an adventure. I want to learn about myself and learn new things. And met new friends and people. So this might be my last post for a while. But I will update when things happen. 

Crossroads

I am at a crossroads. And I have to chose which path to take. One will lead to me losing my friends and the other one will mean losing me. They think I should go to an inpatient place to get treatment and just feel like I will end losing more of me then I will gain. They said it is that or they don’t want to be friends. 

I do respect my friend because they are more like family to me. And I know they love me and want the best for me. But at the end of the day it is my choice on what to do. 

I am just scared of losing things that make me who I am. And I’m scared they will try to put me on more drugs then what I am on now. And I’m scared to face my true fears and feelings. And of my demons. 

So in the end I have a choice to make. My friends or myself? Do I push away all my fears and just do it or do I risk losing all my friends? 

Understand

I’m getting so tired of people regreding mental illness as something to make fun of and/or to off handed to tell someone that they must hve OCD/something because something they did.  

Depression is not fun and it’s not something I or anyone who has it wants. It is a horrible diease to have and it hard to live with. 

Anxiety is not a cool thing to have. And I’m not talking about the morning of the test jitters everyone has. I’m talking about the random panic attacks that come out of nowhere. It not fun to have. It hard to control that anxiety. 

Having OCD is not something you just do off handed one day. It is something that you have do everyday. It is a way of thinking. It is a set way of life that is hard to break. 

PTSD is not just a military thing. It can happen to anyone that had seen/went thru a very traumatic thing. Mine started when I watched my boyfriend at the time blow out his brains. Even tho a lot of people associate that term with just the military. 

I really just want everyone to try to understand the thinking of someone who has a mental illness. And try to see the people as people and not as someone who has a diease and they should not be treated as a human because of it. I want people to understand the sickness and understand the human beings who have them.

Trying to find

I have no idea what to do. I am no good at making good choices that is for sure. Even tho I have done the therapy, I feel like my mental stability is just going around and around in circles. And it is really just exhausting. And not just for me.

I try to find hope. Try to bring out the best of everyday. And try not to dwell on the bad. Try to find the good in people. I have just tried to figure out this crazy life. And I am just I don’t know anymore. 

I’m trying to refocus and find some stable ground on which to build a good foundation and from there build a good life and find happiness in my own self. 

Nowhere

What do you do when you have no where to hide? When the silence becomes overwhelming? Where do you go when the demons inside threatens to consume you? 

When you have nowhere to else to go. When the safely of the music goes away and you have to face the true raw feelings. The moments when you feel your heart beating. Slower. And slower. Trying to match your breathing. 

As you are trying to drown out the overwhelming thoughts. And trying to damper the silence. As your thoughts go colliding into another and creating news ones. Ones that just rumble and fumble. Thoughts that have no clear beginning or end. 

Making that choice of staying awake or falling asleep. Wondering which is worse. Thinking your thoughts or dreaming about them.  Seeing the memories in your sleep or seeing them in your daydreams.  

To drown out the silence or embrace it. Embrace the silence that makes you feel scared. And makes you feel what you don’t want to. Or run and hide inside the noise. 

Surviving 

It has been going pretty good for the last few days and now I’m just starting to hit that plateau where you don’t really want to do any treatment anymore. But you also don’t feel right, like you are no later in your head and you start questioning if you are awake. 

It is a weird feeling to have. I really don’t know how to explain it. It’s like your alive but your not.  And just really start pondering things about life. For me it’s mostly about people.  

I really wonder if some of the people, I see are real or not. I also feel more paranoid about my surroundings. And the people I’m around. Strangers. Friends. There is no way this is normal.

But I think some of it might be because I’m just exhausted and haven’t been getting a lot of rest. At least I hope this what this is. 

But all I can do it put one foot in front of the other.