I’m not ok

I decided to do ECT and it was a hard choice to make. I have made the right choice in my heart.

And tonight proves me why I need this. And need it very soon. It has been happening slowly over since the last time I posted about ECT. And I was doing really good on controlling it and making it thru the day. And I’m losing it. The urges to self harm are so strong that I started scratching my arms. It feels like the places I cut are on fire and I have to rip them open. I feel like a meth addict and have invisible bugs crawling under my skin.

And then hearing all the voices in my head. Talking over each other. Telling what a worthless person I am. That I really don’t know who I am. That I should go kill myself. That the person I am will doesn’t really like me. I am a horrible.

My heart is racing and I feel sick. And light headed. I wanna sleep. Or I wanna vomit.

I also feel like binge eating and then purging. I feel so unclean with all these thoughts in my head. I wanna scream and break things. I also just wanna curl up in a ball and cry.

And yet I don’t; for him. To be strong for him. And to pretend to be happy for him. So he doesn’t worry.

Fighting guilt

After a fight/talk with a friend. He told me how he felt. And he said when I told him I would try to love him at the time I meant what I said.

But then I met a new person and I fell for him. I felt happy and safe for once. And I feel like trusting him.  But because of that my friend said I was just leading him on and that I was lying to him.

To be honest I was never sure about my feelings for him. And now I feel incredibly guilty because my friend has been thru so much with me. And the fact he is hurting because I was doing what I do all the time and that is taking care of everyone else. 

And my friend feels like he is fucking up my chances of being happy and he isn’t. And at this point I have no idea what to do.

I just want to be in a good relationship and i have no idea if that can happen if I’m still friends with him. And I’m scared if I tell him that , he will do something stupid. And then I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.  And now I’m doubting my new relationship. And myself.

Learning

I understand why people don’t trust my decision making skills. Because I have made some really shitty choices in the past. But at what point do you let me make my own choices and be in my own 2 feet?

At some point you need to see that to grow as a person, I need to learn this on my own. I know they do it out of love and caring. But it just like come on let me do it now.  Let me show you, that you can trust my choices. That I can live my own life. That is time to let me roll with my choices. All of them. The good and the bad. I need to learn how to live with the pain from the bad and how to accept the happiness out of making the right choice.

Its time for me to me learn to manage the craziness. And I’m not saying this to hurt the people that have been there thru the worse with me. I love them very much.

But I need to learn. I need to find my own happiness and it may not be their way. Or their path they want me to be on. I can’t fit inside their boxes, I can only fit in to the one I made for myself.

I love you guys and thank you for everything.

Changing gears

After a years of going thru different therapies and medicine and nothing working. My therapist has decided to talk to me about electroconvulsive therapy or ECT. And I’m really thinking about trying it. 

If this could be my one hope to finally be happy and not have to live with my depression everyday. I know it only has a 50\50 shot of working. But that is better then my odds right now.

I understand the possible side effects. But I also understand this could be a good chance of getting better.  And if this doesn’t work. Then I really only have one more choice. And I’m sure you can figure out what that is. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t want to have to explain it. But I guess we will know soon enough if this will work or not.

Questions

What do when you feel like the world is coming down around? When you are to use to the pain that you can not cry anymore? When the numbness is to much? When the people around you mean nothing to you? When life seems to be moving on ,what do you do?  Where do you hide from the voices in your head? And the heavy feelings in your heart?

Where do you do to quiet the chaos? Sit in the rain? Or the shower?  Do you scream into your pillow until your voice is raw?  Do you cry yourself to sleep at night?

Do you wish someone would notice you? Notice the pain? And hug you tight and tell you everything will be ok? Can you feel love with the pain you are in? Can you feel anything?

Does your depression feel like a noose around your neck that is slowly killing you when you fight for life? Do you wish you had a place to hide from the world?

Temptation

Temptation is the hardest thing I have to deal with everyday. It is so hard to resist it sometimes.

Every time I open the knife drawer, every time I shave. And time I see some kind of sharp object. I get the urge to self harm.  I do give into my temptation sometimes because I get tired of fighting it so much.

I sometimes have the same problem with alcohol. I see it, I want it . And the same goes with drugs and sex.

It is so easy to blame other things on your problem with temptation when you know inside it is just you giving in. Addiction is a lifetime problem and it unreasonable to think that people having one won’t relapse. They all do.

It is a struggle to juggle all of this sometimes but I also can’t just burden someone else with. Especially people who don’t understand what this is like. It is getting easy tho and that gives me hope. And I feel mentally stronger then I did in the past.

Because at some point I will run out of luck.

Choices in love and friendships

So my friend/ex decided to be friends again. It is very hard. He tells me that he wishes we were as close as we were before we stopped talking. I just can’t be that close to him ever again.

It hurt to much to lose him the first and letting him in again will hurt more. I like him as a friend but i don’t know if I could ever love him again.

And he really wants that. He wants to me to love him. And date and be only with him. And I don’t feel the same way. I don’t want a one person committed relationships. But he has to fight me about it and saying I really do want that. And I’m not sure if it is. I respect him and what he has to say. But I think he is judging me on how he thinks I should be and not how I am. I don’t want to fight with him and I feel like because of that I am still hiding from him in a way. And it sucks. Because he is a sensitive person. And I can be a brutally honest person and I stop myself mentally from doing that to him.

So yeah maybe I still do like him as more then a friend a little or maybe because the heart never forgets. Or the mind doesn’t lose the impact and the memories that a certain person makes on you.

Feelings were never an easy thing for me to openly talk about to anyone and this blog has helped me a lot to openly discuss these things. And I’m happy with this blog.

And I realized that people are good sometimes. And life has good and bad things in it. And sometimes the good outweighs the bad and the bad outweighs the good.