I’m not ok

I decided to do ECT and it was a hard choice to make. I have made the right choice in my heart.

And tonight proves me why I need this. And need it very soon. It has been happening slowly over since the last time I posted about ECT. And I was doing really good on controlling it and making it thru the day. And I’m losing it. The urges to self harm are so strong that I started scratching my arms. It feels like the places I cut are on fire and I have to rip them open. I feel like a meth addict and have invisible bugs crawling under my skin.

And then hearing all the voices in my head. Talking over each other. Telling what a worthless person I am. That I really don’t know who I am. That I should go kill myself. That the person I am will doesn’t really like me. I am a horrible.

My heart is racing and I feel sick. And light headed. I wanna sleep. Or I wanna vomit.

I also feel like binge eating and then purging. I feel so unclean with all these thoughts in my head. I wanna scream and break things. I also just wanna curl up in a ball and cry.

And yet I don’t; for him. To be strong for him. And to pretend to be happy for him. So he doesn’t worry.

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