Today I found my box cutter. Nothing special. Nothing flashy. But the razor is still sharp and it calls my name. I want that feeling. But I know I shouldn’t. I know it just causes more problems then what was originally wrong. And then people think I can’t be trusted. And all I do is break my promises. Which I don’t.
I mean sometimes I make promises I don’t intend to keep. But that is mostly just to get to leave me alone when I’m in a bad head space. And I need my huge personal bubble, not my normal sized personal bubble. I feel bad about making those false promises but sometimes it is the only way for them to leave.
I’m thinking about going back in for treatment. But to me at least, it feels like giving up. Like I am not strong enough to control it and then I’m giving the fight and surrendering. Treatment has never been an easy choice for me. And I don’t think it ever will be. I feel also like I’m just proving to the people who doubt me that I really am just a huge quitter. And that all I do is fail. That feeling sucks. And on top of that I feel like I’m failing everyone who had faith in me and believed in the good inside of me. God, I feel so much like a failure.
Maybe one last time. Just one last time. It couldn’t hurt right? Just do it.
What do you do when you feel so isolated from the world? When you ready want to talk to some one? And you can’t find anyone?
I just want to go to sleep and just not wake up. I don’t know what to do anymore. The loneliness and the fear is taking over. I just want someone to hold me at night. I want someone to talk to you.
I can’t sleep because of all the nightmares that my mind creates. I can’t eat because I have no energy to move. I barely get out of the bed anymore. I can’t function as a human being anymore. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost.
Is it as weird for you as it is for me that we don’t talk anymore? Its just like an awkward thing we do because we feel like we have to. I feel like something is missing and I don’t know what it is.
It feels like something is missing deep down. It makes me miserable that we are like this now. Just drifting away from each other. And there is nothing stopping it. We just gave up and let go of it all.
We stopped trying to feel. And it destroyed us. Everything that we promised each other, just is gone. There is nothing for us. I feel like I’m missing a part of me and I don’t know why,
I think it is because I worry about you too much. And it makes my anxiety go crazy and puts me on the edge. The edge of destruction. I want to blow up on you but I know also what you are telling me is the truth. I have a problem with letting go of guilt and letting it control my life. I am also a terrible liar. I lie about my feelings, how I am doing, what I ‘m doing and stuff. But it is mostly to protect you from me.
Sometimes it feels like there is two of me. This person and the other person who lives inside my head. The one who tries to take control. The one I let take control when I am done with the fight. It will always be a war between my soul and my head. I know who I am inside but my head doesn’t believe it. Doesn’t see it. It is literally the opposite of who I am.
I can’t stop it. I’m not strong enough to right now. And I know it hurts you. And I wish it didn’t hurt you. I wish I could just stop it. I wish I could be your happy ending. But I’m not. I can’t be. No matter how much I try.
I want you to be happy tho with whatever you decide to do with your life and I hope you find your happy ending. It just can’t be me.
I’m sorry. I love you. I’m just not the person I pretend to be. There is no good left inside of me.
After the last post, I ended up in the hospital. Luck for me, my friend lied for me and told the doctors I fell. Not jumped. Yay for me I guess.
But they used like 6 pieces of tape on the IV, so now I have lots of tape marks right now to remind about that adventure. I just don’t understand why my friend would lie for me like that. He didn’t have to but he did anyways. Maybe it just because he know I hate the hospital with a passion. Despite the fact I am a nurse or was.
But other then that, today was a okay day. I didn’t take as much pills today but that is mostly because they gave me really good IV painkillers at the hospital. And I did cut today but I stopped before I did more then 2 and I only drunk a wine cooler and some Jack Daniels.
So I guess it is getting better kinda. But the bad is still worse then the good. And I just might have to drown again. What happened I can’t change that. And that sucks.
I also can’t tell anyone about it because I don’t want to remember that it happened. I don’t want to think it. That why I have to just drown. And that includes drowning everything of me too.
And I wish I could explain how I feel but there is no words for how I feel right now. Or none I can think of right now. I’m just so tired and I just want my happy ending that will never happen. Because that doesn’t happen to people like me. We will also be stuck by ourselves because we are unlovable.
And I wish I could talk to my friend more. But hes blaming himself for stuff that is my fault. And I feel horrible about and it makes me so angry at myself for making him feel that way. It makes me wonder why I even have friends when all I do is make them feel horrible and like they are always in the wrong. When they aren’t and it is really me in the wrong. I guess it is whatever. If he does anything stupid, it will be my fault.
Have you wondered how this life was going to end?
I have been here many times before. Just sitting on the edge of a bridge. Wondering if I could do it. If I could just let it all go. I feel like this I can do it. I have nothing left here. I lost it all.
I heard drowning isn’t to bad. I will die before that I suppose. I don’t care about this world anymore and just wanna be free from everything.
I will miss you guys. But this is my goodbye. I give up.
It is to much for me anymore.
I feel like everyone is now avoiding me. Like I am something that is there but never discussed. I guess I made my own choices. But this is how it is.
I drink anything now. Well not ready wine. Don’t like the taste of it but fireball whiskey is good. And rum. I love the way it goes down and how it makes me feel. I feel free but all the pain inside of me.
I like the way the pills make me feel alive and I feel like I can finally relax and not worry about the little things. The stress is gone and it just numbness. Pure happy numbness.
I don’t like that I have become everyone’s worse enemy. I can’t stay I feel numbness. I feel lonely still like I am truly alone in the world. By myself. Completely. No one else can see me or hear me. Just in my own little sea. Just a black spot in a perfect white space.
I started cutting again. The shine of the razor. The burning feeling of my skin being torn apart. The blood dripping down from the wound. The release of pain. The release of anger. Freedom.
I don’t know if anyone can save me this time. I can’t even save myself.
I guess this is all I have now. I have no one else or no way to get a hold of anyone else. Maybe this a good thing, now they don’t have to watch this mess.
Watch how much I’ll destroy our relationships. I don’t regret this decision, the voices are quiet now. I can think without them screaming. It feels so good. I know its not ok to deal with things like this. But this the only way i can.
I just hit a bad spot but that doesn’t make me a bad person.