I am nothing

I feel like everyone is now avoiding me. Like I am something that is there but never discussed. I guess I made my own choices. But this is how it is.

I drink anything now. Well not ready wine. Don’t like the taste of it but fireball whiskey is good. And rum.  I love the way it goes down and how it makes me feel. I feel free but all the pain inside of me.

I like the way the pills make me feel alive and I feel like I can finally relax and not worry about the little things. The stress is gone and it just numbness. Pure happy numbness.

I don’t like that I have become everyone’s worse enemy. I can’t stay I feel numbness. I feel lonely still like I am truly alone in the world. By myself. Completely. No one else can see me or hear me. Just in my own little sea. Just a black spot in a perfect white space.

I started cutting again. The shine of the razor. The burning feeling of my skin being torn apart. The blood dripping down from the wound. The release of pain. The release of anger. Freedom.

I don’t know if anyone can save me this time. I can’t even save myself.

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