After the last post, I ended up in the hospital. Luck for me, my friend lied for me and told the doctors I fell. Not jumped. Yay for me I guess.
But they used like 6 pieces of tape on the IV, so now I have lots of tape marks right now to remind about that adventure. I just don’t understand why my friend would lie for me like that. He didn’t have to but he did anyways. Maybe it just because he know I hate the hospital with a passion. Despite the fact I am a nurse or was.
But other then that, today was a okay day. I didn’t take as much pills today but that is mostly because they gave me really good IV painkillers at the hospital. And I did cut today but I stopped before I did more then 2 and I only drunk a wine cooler and some Jack Daniels.
So I guess it is getting better kinda. But the bad is still worse then the good. And I just might have to drown again. What happened I can’t change that. And that sucks.
I also can’t tell anyone about it because I don’t want to remember that it happened. I don’t want to think it. That why I have to just drown. And that includes drowning everything of me too.
And I wish I could explain how I feel but there is no words for how I feel right now. Or none I can think of right now. I’m just so tired and I just want my happy ending that will never happen. Because that doesn’t happen to people like me. We will also be stuck by ourselves because we are unlovable.
And I wish I could talk to my friend more. But hes blaming himself for stuff that is my fault. And I feel horrible about and it makes me so angry at myself for making him feel that way. It makes me wonder why I even have friends when all I do is make them feel horrible and like they are always in the wrong. When they aren’t and it is really me in the wrong. I guess it is whatever. If he does anything stupid, it will be my fault.