Missing

Is it as weird for you as it is for me that we don’t talk anymore? Its just like an awkward thing we do because we feel like we have to. I feel like something is missing and I don’t know what it is.

It feels like something is missing deep down. It makes me miserable that we are like this now. Just drifting away from each other.  And there is nothing stopping it. We just gave up and let go of it all.

We stopped trying to feel. And it destroyed us. Everything that we promised each other, just is gone. There is nothing for us. I feel like I’m missing a part of me and I don’t know why,

I think it is because I worry about you too much. And it makes my anxiety go crazy and puts me on the edge. The edge of destruction. I want to blow up on you but I know also what you are telling me is the truth. I have a problem with letting go of guilt and letting it control my life. I am also a terrible liar.  I lie about my feelings, how I am doing, what I ‘m doing and stuff. But it is mostly to protect you from me.

Sometimes it feels like there is two of me. This person and the other person who lives inside my head. The one who tries to take control. The one I let take control when I am done with the fight. It will always be a war between my soul and my head. I know who I am inside but my head doesn’t believe it. Doesn’t see it. It is literally the opposite of who I am.

I can’t stop it. I’m not strong enough to right now. And I know it hurts you. And I wish it didn’t hurt you. I wish I could just stop it. I wish I could be your happy ending. But I’m not. I can’t be. No matter how much I try.

I want you to be happy tho with whatever you decide to do with your life and I hope you find your happy ending. It just can’t be me.

I’m sorry. I love you. I’m just not the person I pretend to be. There is no good left inside of me.

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