Today I found my box cutter. Nothing special. Nothing flashy. But the razor is still sharp and it calls my name. I want that feeling. But I know I shouldn’t. I know it just causes more problems then what was originally wrong. And then people think I can’t be trusted. And all I do is break my promises. Which I don’t.
I mean sometimes I make promises I don’t intend to keep. But that is mostly just to get to leave me alone when I’m in a bad head space. And I need my huge personal bubble, not my normal sized personal bubble. I feel bad about making those false promises but sometimes it is the only way for them to leave.
I’m thinking about going back in for treatment. But to me at least, it feels like giving up. Like I am not strong enough to control it and then I’m giving the fight and surrendering. Treatment has never been an easy choice for me. And I don’t think it ever will be. I feel also like I’m just proving to the people who doubt me that I really am just a huge quitter. And that all I do is fail. That feeling sucks. And on top of that I feel like I’m failing everyone who had faith in me and believed in the good inside of me. God, I feel so much like a failure.
Maybe one last time. Just one last time. It couldn’t hurt right? Just do it.