I don’t know

I feel like no one accepts me. That no one even tries to understand the choices I made in the last couple of months. I just want to disappear. I am not sure where to go or what to do. I know going back would be a mistake, I would never hear the end of this.  And I don’t want to listen them, telling me the same stuff. I don’t want to listen to. I don’t want to see the disappointment in their faces. I just can’t.

I just feel like it is now time. I feel trapped. And when I come back, I won’t be the same person. I won’t be me anymore. I mean I will be. Just will not look the same. Maybe then they will listen to me. Maybe then they will be ok with my choices. And stop worrying about me so much. I just need time and to be away from home. I can’t go back.

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Checked Out

I checked myself out. I just realized you can’t fix something that is permanently broken. And is what I am. I am the unfixable. 

I wish I could be fixed. But there isn’t enough pieces of me to put together this time. They are to busted to make me whole again. My heart is to heavy to deal with things.

I am just going to cut people off. It is best for them and for me. I need to just be alone and away from society. I can’t lose anyone. And I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to feel bad for me.

Goodbye world

Bye

What am I suppose to do now? I don’t know why you did it. I wanted to hang out and stuff. But I just was sick and I couldn’t make it.  My health has to come first sometimes. I wish I did come over that night and help you. I just wanted you to tell me how you feel. I don’t want to feel.

I feel angry and depressed. I feel like you used me as your emotional clutch. And when I couldn’t be there for you, you couldn’t handle it. And I am sorry I couldn’t be who you wanted. Or who you needed. I just hope now your happy.

You were my best friend and the first person in a while that I could talk to about stuff. And I felt comfortable enough with you.

I just wish I could understand why you did it. I just wanted you to be happy but not like this. Never like this.

Relationships

It is hard to see yourself being happy with someone else after you put some much effort into a relationship. And that thing just crumbles. And then my friend wants me to see him and see if we can work out things.

I really do want things to work but I also don’t want to put myself in that position again. I just don’t know how much I want to be hurt again. And there is also the other person that I start liking.

I always fell in love with people so easily. And then it falls apart. I don’t know how I feel about all these relationships. So much to sort tho right now.

Medical

I knew that my stomach problems was going to come out as something bad but I never thought about in terms of my lifestyle.

With this diagnose, I have to change my whole lifestyle. Be careful of what I eat. When I eat. And how much I eat. I always have to make sure, I need get enough calories so I don’t starve. I can’t have any of my comfort foods. Like cookies, and sweets. I can’t eat anything unless its basically liquid and/or will not take long to digest.

This really hit me hard. I am still really upset about it. I know I shouldn’t be upset by it because there people out there who have it worse then I do. But at the same time, it is hard. And then you are around people who don’t understand.

I really wish I knew what I know now about bulimia. Because maybe somehow I could have avoided this. And avoided ruining the rest of my life. There is no cure for the damage that is done. There is no getting better from this. Its pills every 6 hours and being super careful of what you are eating. And dealing with the consequences of eating something bad.

The stomach pain, the constant nausea,just the general over all feeling of being sick. And you always run the risk of getting way sicker if the food sits in there for awhile.

It is a never ending cycle. And it sucks. I just hope if someone has bulimia, they get help before it is too late. And before there is permanent damage to their bodies.

My plea

The last thing I wanted from all of this was to lose you. You were the only thing I had for awhile. I felt alone and unloved. Then we started talking and I felt better. Like I could easily hold on for a longer period of time. And now all of that is gone in a blink of an eye.  I don’t know what to do to fix this. I don’t if I can. I need you to talk to me so we can fix this. I need to know what you are feeling. I need you to tell me how to fix this. I need my best friend back.

I need to be able to talk to you again. I need to trust you again. And I need you to trust me. I just want to see you and I want to love you again. I was never ok with just being friends. I wanted for you to be happy again. Like you were when we first started talking. I wanted to you to be not depressed anymore. I hate seeing you like this. I hurts so bad to see you like this. I breaks my heart knowing your are hurting like this because of me. Please I need you.  Please