Up and down of being together

I love being with him but I know it is bad. I know I shouldn’t be here. But a part of me needs him.

I need to feel close to someone. I need that feeling. I hate being lonely. I hate being alone.

I just can’t live without someone that is mine and only mine. I don’t want to live with people that have each other. When I am alone and don’t have anyone.  It would be awkward and not fun for anyone.  

I know they mean well and they love me. And they care for me.  Just I don’t know what to do. 

I just need time to think and figure it out. Just not sure where to go.

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Empty feeling.

I have lived with my illness so long, I don’t know who I am.

I am someone but my mind can’t process it without the illness there

The illness took away parts of me. Parts that made me who I am as a person

My personality doesn’t feel right without the illness. Its an empty echoing space in my head. Its a huge empty space.

It is where the illness lived. And now it is void. It numb. It so quiet inside of my head. Its deafening. It would drive a sane person insane

In a way twisted way I have become in a way intertwined with my illness.

My personal melted into the illness. My mind just knows the illness. My illness was the last addiction it had to define who it was and without out I feel so empty. And so alone.

In a way, I miss the racing thoughts. The impulse to do.  I miss the sad feelings. The anger. The pain.

I can’t just fill this space. Its just so empty. So quiet.

My boys.

We are friends again. For now. I will lose him again. It is my fear. But he is causing a riff with my boyfriend. And I love them both. I won’t chose tho. I need them both in my life. One is my life and the air I breath. And the other is my shoulder to lean on.

They are both my boys. This sucks. I need them to just get along. And just be friends or pretend. I don’t know. I know they both care about me. And worry equally about me.

They both accept me for who I am. As evolve into a new person. Who I am truly on the inside. They both have watched me struggle. And both have watched me triumph over the bad days.

That is why I love them both. I love them in different ways and manners. They are seriously both my rocks and my reason to try.