Empty feeling.

I have lived with my illness so long, I don’t know who I am.

I am someone but my mind can’t process it without the illness there

The illness took away parts of me. Parts that made me who I am as a person

My personality doesn’t feel right without the illness. Its an empty echoing space in my head. Its a huge empty space.

It is where the illness lived. And now it is void. It numb. It so quiet inside of my head. Its deafening. It would drive a sane person insane

In a way twisted way I have become in a way intertwined with my illness.

My personal melted into the illness. My mind just knows the illness. My illness was the last addiction it had to define who it was and without out I feel so empty. And so alone.

In a way, I miss the racing thoughts. The impulse to do.  I miss the sad feelings. The anger. The pain.

I can’t just fill this space. Its just so empty. So quiet.

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One thought on “Empty feeling.

  1. A very evocative poem. I really relate to this idea of being defined by your illness. My life has been blighted by mental health problems since I was 7 when I first developed anorexia. By 11 I was self-harming, by 13 I had PTSD, OCD and bulimia by 16 I had clinical depression. When I recovered from clinical depression my binge drinking cocaine and bulimia really took off. I got clean but had a nervous breakdown at 9 years clean doing crazy OCD checking rituals 10 hours a day till 5am in the morning. It was almost as much of a prison as my 22 hour a day cocaine addiction had been. Now after a lot of therapy all my mental health problems and addictions are in recovery and I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been. I was never sane as a child I am sane for the first time now. With all these problems gone there is a bit of a hole in my life just as you say in this post. I have now decided I want a baby which is either because I am so much better or the worst possible decision I have ever made. Good luck with finding your identity separate from your illness.

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