Having a goodish day.

I took a nap today which is kind of weird for me to do. I try not to take naps during the day just because I have a hard time sleeping at night sometimes. Well ok all the time.  I had the worst nightmare I could ever have. And I’m not sure what triggered it. But I had a dream were my ex/ working on friendship friend shot himself. It was the worse possible thing I haved dreamed in a while. 

But on the other side, I did have a good day. My new found best girl friend. Not dating, just really good friends dragged me to church with her. And I actually loved it. The people that were there; were just the sweetest and open mimded people I have ever met. So I will go again with her next week. And also finding her as a friend was a blessing. 

I also got my first real job I guess. Its nothing exciting. But its a way to make money and hopefully get out of where I am living. But I am living in a better place other then my kind of still my abusive boyfriends place into a place where I am just renting a room but it is nice here.

And he is only kind of still my boyfriend because he is over seas and I haven’t had time to break up with him yet. But I will.

Oh and I get to met my friend/ex next week on Tuesday! I’m excited but super nervous. I hope he does like me in person.

Unfixable

I don’t know what to write anymore. I just don’t have the will to do anything anymore. I don’t want to try anymore

I just keep losing everyone that has meaning to me and I know its my fault. I will say. But without this chaos I don’t know who I am.

I feel lost without the crazy and the drama. The constant chaos and just the bad. I feel like I don’t know who I am. It become a huge part of me. Trying to function is hard without it. I am bored easily without it.

I just feel like everyone wants me to be a person that I am not. And all I want to be is free. And happy.

I don’t know anything else then the cycle of self abuse I have been going thru. That the only way I know how to treat myself.

I been thru therapy. Many different types of it. I tried rehab. I have been hospitalized. But nothing works. Nothing helps me. I am literally unfixable.

I am too broken.  I am just too messed up inside. I can’t stop the cycle. I can for a little while and then it starts again. It happens everything. 

I’m just sorry to everyone.

I was never good at saying good byes. I was never good at opening up about my thoughts, my feelings.

I just need to go. I am breaking all the promises and reassures I made. Old and new ones. I am just done with the constant battle between my heart and mind.  I am done fighting with the demons that are trying to consume me.

I am done pretending my feelings don’t matter. I just know I need my escape. I need to hit my panic button and escape. Time to bail. Time to stop.

Time to crease the beating of my heart. Stop the air going into my lungs. Stop inhaling and exhaling.

Sorry about her

I just can’t believe my friend would tell my sister well half sister about things that happened between me and my friend who died ( his girlfriend at the time of these things going on). Yes I feel bad about the things I did and the things I said.

But I didn’t push her off that ledge. She knew she could get help. That she could just ignore me. Because I knew she knew that I has jealous and angry. And just very very messed up on drugs and alcohol. 

It wasn’t my fault. And your just using me to try to make sense of why she did it. And so you have someone and something to blame for it. So you don’t have to blame her for it. So you don’t have to deal with that the fact she was being selfish and reckless. And just stupid.

I will always be your scapegoat for happened to her. Because of what I confessed to you.

But we both know I wasn’t the trigger who pushed her towards the final abyss. She just didn’t care anymore. My words probably did hurt. Not denying that at all. But she knew where my head was. And she knew that I didn’t mean anything by it. That wasn’t the first time I said that stuff to her in a drunken state of mind fueled by anger.

I’m sorry you still miss her. I miss her too. We both loved her.   But you can’t save everyone.

Lost of faith.

I feel like no one trust me. I feel just awful because I just want my half sister to come see. But they don’t trust me because I don’t want to meet at my place. Which I have my reasons for that. I have pretty good reasons why. 

And I also just hate being in the house to long. Feels so closed in. And empty.

But on the bright side got me some new heels today. I guess shopping is sometimes is the best therapy.

But I just am still heart broken about them, not trusting me. I am trying to prove them that I changed. But I can’t when they don’t give me the chance.

Bad dreams and shitty self esteem

I am at that point where I am having drug dreams. Like I see the drugs. I can smell them. I want them. I crave them. My subconscious wants it. 

So I binge all the food I am not suppose to have to fill that need. That urge. I need something to fill it. Anything.

I also should saw it is not just the drugs in the dreams. There is also alcohol. The best of the best. Every thing. I have a problem. A horrible disgusting problem.

So I fill it with all the food I can’t have because of a medical problem. That was as funny as it seems was caused by my bulimia.  I am not sure anymore.

I am trying. I am trying to fight the addictions. Fighting the demons. Fighting my mental illness.

I am trying to hold on. Be strong. Do the right things. To try to fix all the wrong. Try to straighten this path I was on.

I know I am in shitty place. I am working on the self esteem. I am trying to fix it from the bottom to the top. I am trying to pick myself.  Pick up my self esteem up from the ground.

Prove to myself I am worth being alive. Prove to everyone I am trying.