I am not okay. I don’t know how to be ok. I don’t know how to do normal human things without messing it up. I can’t be a normal human. I will always be the messed up. The one who people have to blame for whatever ia wrong in their life.
I messed up and I know I do. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. But I didn’t. I can’t force oit memories that dont exist. I just can’t. I mean I make up some excuse but they would be lies. And I’m trying not to lie. And I know I am failing hard at that. I wanted that perfect life at one point in my life. But I never have it.
Happiness is just something I can’t achieve. I try for it but it fails. Its like my mind knows what it is, what it looks like but my mind doesn’t understand how to get there. Doesn’t understand the real feeling of happiness. And when I am happy, it doesn’t understand what it is. I am tired tho of the fake smiles and the empty laughter that has no meaning.
I am so tired of pretending that I am getting better when I know I am not. And its not from lack of trying. I have been. My inner demons are just to much. I am not even sure I know who Joey is anymore. Or who that person was.
I just feel confused and on the edge lately. My head is always pounding. My mind is racing all the time. My chest hurts because of all the stuff racing thru my head. And all the bad dreams I have at night. The bad dreams of people I care for dieing and me not being able to do anything.
Can’t eat. Makes the panic worse. Makes my anxiety raise. I don’t know why that is. I feel like I am dieing and just might be.
I don’t know anymore. I just want to be alone and just be able to think with the thoughts crashed into each other like a high speed car accident. Getting all mixed up and the words being all in the wrong places.
This is just how I am feeling right now. I guess. I am noy sure.