To..

My feelings for you. How do I start explaining that. 

My life was a mess before I met you and it was still a mess after but it was a slightly more manageable mess.  And I guess why out of people you chose me to talk to. Because there was way better people to talk too. 

But I knew right away with you things were different. I felt like you were someone who I could talk to about everything and anything. And then I started falling for you. 

I know you still think sometimes that my love you for just a clutch for me. And in the bad time it was. Because it was normally the only thing I had to cling onto to keep me from doing it. And that why I always tried to push you and make you hate me so much. And then I ruined it. I ruined our relationship because I let my anger and my jealously get the best of me. 

I will never not be sorry for the things I did and said.  You were the first person I actually felt ashamed and guilty about hurting. But I just couldn’t stop it. 

I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I am really not. 
I hated lieing to you and it hurt every time I did. And I hated myself for it. And I took out on you and well really everyone. 
But no matter what I did you still tried to see the best in me. You still stayed by me in some super bad times. Until that this I pushed you away to much and you left. And I am not mad about it now. I understand now why you did it. And I know it weird but thank you for that. You in a way showed me that what I was doing was not ok and your really the only person that ever did that. 

And now that I am in a better place, I realize how much I truly appreciate the things you did for me even they may not seem that big to you. They are to me. And also how much I truly love you. 

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