Reason to fight

I think I finally found a real reason to keep fighting. I am once really truly happy with the person, I am going out with. I want to keep fighting against all of the bad in my head so I can be happy with him.  He has become my reason to fight. To do everything in my power to keep going on my path of recovery. And just try to make us work. And make a strong relationship.  

I know I have a good thing with him. And he is my reason to keep fighting. 

Trust 

I feel like no one will ever trust me. The person I with even has a hard time trusting me. Which is just great when you are in relationship with them. And when your family doesn’t know if they can trust you. It hurts. And I hate it. 

I hate myself for ruining it so bad that they don’t trust me anymore. 

I feel like I am losing a uphill battle.  I keep trying to find things to keep me track.  And keep me busy; so my mind doesn’t wander into the bad thoughts. It is a never ending cycle. 

And I know my sister doesn’t trust because I opened up to her about some really horrible things I did in the past. And I wish I didn’t. I really do. I think I ruined our relationship a little bit. She probably thinks I am way worse person. 

I’m just sorry that no one can trust me. And I wish someone would. 

Losing it

I am not sure what to do. I am happy I guess that I do have supporting people. 

But I don’t want to anymore. It is just so tiring. And it brings up a lot of bad shit I don’t want to rememeber. 

I feel so sick telling her about my past. And I am not sure she truly still loves me or not. She says she does. 

I feel sick for all the things I did in my past.  I wish I have died. It would have been so much easier on everyone. It would mean a lot less pain for everyone I know. All I do is cause pain and misery. 

I don’t know what to do. I am so lost. And I just hate myself.