I fucked up.

I am sorry.

Don’t be mad at her.

I am so sorry.

Goodbye.

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Diagnosis

I started therapy with a new therapist. He seems like an asshole. Or maybe he is that to me. I don’t know.

But he diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Doesn’t surprise me. Especially since I have been diagnosed with bulimia with anorexia tendencies.

From what I read about, that those seem to go hand in hand.

He also changed some things. Like now I have really bad social anxiety. And that I don’t like to talk because I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from an abusive relationship. And that I have mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And I have depression.

Which I could have told all of that. But now I am not sure what to think.

Stessed

How do you explain to normal sane human why you don’t like to talk? It isn’t like I can’t. I just choose to not to. It saves so much trouble.  It is a little stressful to be forced into situations where I have to talk.

I guess it just another I have to work on but it is hard when this just how everyone accepts this version of you and doesn’t ever except you to talk. I guess in a way I have lost a lot of my social skills because of it. I am not sure.

And another thing is I miss certain people. I know I shouldn’t. Because all I ever did to them is lie. And break their heart. Make them stress the fuck out about me. And whether I was safe or not. Or if I had relapse again for the hundredth time. I don’t deserve them. And they don’t deserve to have to deal with the stress of being around me and being a friend to me. I know I created these monsters in my head. And I am the one who kep feeding them.

But I am truly sorry to them about everything I put them thru. God I say that a lot. Now I see why my apologizes don’t mean anything anymore. I am an immature asshole most of the time.Just time doesn’t fix everything and I know the wounds I caused them will never go away. And I am not writing just for them to find and feel bad. I just need to this stuff off of my chest.

I am not a god person and I accept this. Maybe I was a good person once. But I don’t know what happened to that person.

 

Hey 

I am sorry I haven’t been on lately. I have been just been really super busy. I realized how much I miss everyone. Just been going thru up and downs and going thru a few corkscrews. I guess my life is a roller coaster. I am in treatment now. Well I really had no choice.

And I have to go to therapy  every week and stuff. But I guess its going ok. I am really trying this time but I guess I say that a lot.  Maybe I should stop saying that. It is probably my way of lying to myself. To make it seem like maybe I can do this.