There are 2 different sides of myself. There is Joey and then there is Abby. And I don’t have spilt personalities. I remember everything I do when I am Abby. So it is not.
Abby is just an part of myself. She the part of me that wants to be girly and feminine and then Joey is just the other side of me. But Joey isn’t Abby and Abby isn’t Joey. If that makes sense.
I just can’t be fully transgender. It just doesn’t feel right. But this does.
Abby has just become another part of me. She is my half that I have needed for so long. She is my freedom from the feelings I have felt for so long.
But I know a lot of people won’t understand. And I am ok with that. I don’t care what peoples thoughts are. This is just who I am.
I started therapy with a new therapist. He seems like an asshole. Or maybe he is that to me. I don’t know.
But he diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Doesn’t surprise me. Especially since I have been diagnosed with bulimia with anorexia tendencies.
From what I read about, that those seem to go hand in hand.
He also changed some things. Like now I have really bad social anxiety. And that I don’t like to talk because I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from an abusive relationship. And that I have mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And I have depression.
Which I could have told all of that. But now I am not sure what to think.
How do you explain to normal sane human why you don’t like to talk? It isn’t like I can’t. I just choose to not to. It saves so much trouble. It is a little stressful to be forced into situations where I have to talk.
I guess it just another I have to work on but it is hard when this just how everyone accepts this version of you and doesn’t ever except you to talk. I guess in a way I have lost a lot of my social skills because of it. I am not sure.
And another thing is I miss certain people. I know I shouldn’t. Because all I ever did to them is lie. And break their heart. Make them stress the fuck out about me. And whether I was safe or not. Or if I had relapse again for the hundredth time. I don’t deserve them. And they don’t deserve to have to deal with the stress of being around me and being a friend to me. I know I created these monsters in my head. And I am the one who kep feeding them.
But I am truly sorry to them about everything I put them thru. God I say that a lot. Now I see why my apologizes don’t mean anything anymore. I am an immature asshole most of the time.Just time doesn’t fix everything and I know the wounds I caused them will never go away. And I am not writing just for them to find and feel bad. I just need to this stuff off of my chest.
I am not a god person and I accept this. Maybe I was a good person once. But I don’t know what happened to that person.
I am sorry I haven’t been on lately. I have been just been really super busy. I realized how much I miss everyone. Just been going thru up and downs and going thru a few corkscrews. I guess my life is a roller coaster. I am in treatment now. Well I really had no choice.
And I have to go to therapy every week and stuff. But I guess its going ok. I am really trying this time but I guess I say that a lot. Maybe I should stop saying that. It is probably my way of lying to myself. To make it seem like maybe I can do this.