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Fuck you! Just fuck you. I fucking let you back into my fucking life just you can fucking leave again. And then don’t fucking talk to me for a week then fucking leave a comment saying you will always fucking love me. Yeah fuck you! I do fucking love you. And that never change but you fucking doing that fucking hurts. You just drive the fucking knife in deeper of how much of a fucking fuck up I am. I fucking did try. I never fucking meant to fucking hurt you. I never fucking meant for the things I did to be fucking taken that way. So I am fucking sorry. Ok I will always be fucking sorry. For ruining our friendship. For killing her. For fucking up everything. I know I am a fucking loser and just fucking break everything I fucking touch. I fucking don’t know what else to do. I am just a fuck up and that is all I will fucking be. I can’t fucking fix fucking anything. 

Done. 

I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am dead. I feel dead. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t function at all. I just want to die. 

Just close my eyes and not wake up anymore. There is no point to being alive when all the life in you feels like it has been sucked out of. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just an empty shell. I got my soul sucked out of me.  That what this feeling is.

I am just empty. An empty vessel that has a beating heart and and functional brain. That is all I ever will be. 

I can’t do this anymore. I tried. I know it doesn’t look like that but I have. 

I have tried so hard. And I have tried to keep going. I am so really to stop being strong. I can’t be strong anymore. This weight is to much. 

I said my sorrys to the people I needed too. And most of them are dead so I guess it didn’t matter.

 

I am forever that person that will always be seen as the monster by most people. And I hate it. But I can’t change how they feel. And I can’t change their opinions. 

I am sorry I was abusive. I never meant to be that way. I never wanted that. I just got clingy. And I have never been good at dealing with bad emotions and people leaving me. I hate when people threaten to leave it. It scares me. It makes me act irrational and panicky. I will always be sorry. 

I am not able to be a normal person. I will never be. I am sorry. I don’t know what else to about it. I can’t fix things because when I try to I just break them more. And then just become impossible to fix. 

I didn’t mean to be so abusive if I was. I think it was just the head space I was in. I don’t know. 

I am done now. I will make sure that I won’t bug you guys anymore. I won’t ruin any happiness with my negative energy. 

Yeah that all I have to say. 

To Justin

Justin, 
This isn’t something I wanted to write. But I need to. I might finally be able to move on. To finally let go of  all my grief and anger.  To get out all the things I should have said but didn’t. To finally be able to say goodbye. And this all go. 
Justin, you were the first person I ever truly loved in that way.  In many ways I never understood you like me back. Maybe it was because you thought you could change me or maybe in some way fix me. Or maybe you saw something in me. 

All I can do now is guess. But I did love you. Desperate all of our fights. And all the broken promises. I loved you so much. And losing you was the worst day of my life. I wish I could have been there. I wish I stopped you. I wish I never left. I wish my last words to you weren’t I fucking hate you. But what happened did happen. 

You were the perfect understanding boyfriend that any one would have been lucky to have. And I had you and I broke you. And I used you. And I turned you into a monster. I turned you in to that emotional wreckage that pulled that trigger that day. I helped create that depression and stress you couldn’t get out of. 
I wish I break up with you long before that happened.  I wish I never loved you. I wish I wasn’t so clingy and destructive. But that all I can do is wish. Because I destroyed you as a human being. 
I knew you hated that I was drinking. That you hated that I was doing stupid shit when I should of been with you. But I had to much of an ego and I let it get the better of me. I let my mental health problems get in the way of the most amazing thing I had in my life. We had a beautiful messed up realtionship. And I loved the good times. I loved being in bed with you. I miss being in bed with you. 

And now everytime I try to be with someone, I do the worse thing ever and I compare them all to you. And I can’t be happy without you. I have tried so hard to be happy. But I feel like I don’t deserve because of how much I failed you. I failed you worse then anyone else. I let you down so much. I have made you cry so much. I made you worry about me. I made you, just someone you weren’t. And I am sorry. 

Sorry won’t fix it tho because you are already dead and I just wish I could have more time with you. I just wanted to hold you one more time. To kiss you again just once. 

I wish I could have one day with you. To fix my mistakes. I miss you so much that words can’t even begin to explain it. I just so sorry Justin. 

You were my first love. You were my better half. And I lost you. I lost you to suicide and that sucks. I love you Justin. 

Goodbye. 

Letter to Sophia

Sophia, 

Where do I start? Do I start at the beginning or at the end? I honestly wish you never stepped off that ledge.  I wish I was a better friend and I was there for you when you really needed it. I wish we didn’t fight. I wish I could take back everything I did. I wish I did just leave you two alone because maybe you two would be happy together.  But it to late for that. 

You were my oldest and most dearest friend. We did everything together for a long time. We were glued together.  And with that said, we also started our downward spiral together.  We hit that bottom not at the same time but close to it 

I remember the first time we ever got drunk together and you fell down the basement stairs and bust your lip open.  I remember us skipping out on school to go smoke. 

I remember getting expelled from school for you. I got into so many fights when those bullies would pick on you. No one could hurt my Sophia. 

But I did hurt you. And I am sorry for hurting you.  Even before that last time. 

I remember when our lives got in tangled. That time on the playground when I pushed you in a mud puddle and the next day you punched me. That was the start of our friendship. 

I miss you so much and I regret my last words to you. I will regret for the rest of my life. 

I wish our friendship wasn’t so destructive. I wish our friendship was so much better then what it was.   I wish I could just lie and stay we had the perfect friendship but we didn’t. 

I remember most of our time together. The bad memories and the good memories even tho I wish I had more good memories to remember. I just remember more bad because we were so destructive together. Together, me and you were just each other’s toxic to fill each other up. 

I love you Sophia. And as much as I wishh, I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future. And sadly that is without you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you again. I am sorry I failed you one last time. And this time there is no fixing it.

I am sorry. 

Goodbye Sophia. I hope you finally found some kind of peace and happiness. I hope whatever was deeply troubling is better now. I hope you are with your parents again. 

Letter to everyone else

To everyone else,

This letter is to whoever else I hurt by my actions and words. I am sorry you had watch someone else be hurt and in pain by me. I am sorry I hurt you indirectly by that. 

I never knew how bad by actions were and how many would be affected by me. I never meant to drive someone to do the things they did. I never wanted that. And I will probably never forgive myself fully for most of that. I am so sorry. 

I am sorry you had to watch someone you love and care about be hurt by me. I hope you guys can forgive me one day. Even tho I don’t deserve it.  

Letter to Alex

Alex, 

I don’t think I could fit everything I want into a letter…well I guess a blog post. That you will may never read. But I don’t care about that. There things I need to get off my chest. Things I couldn’t say sooner. And things I should have said sooner. 

When we met I tried not to fall in love with you. I know where I was in my life. I was so mess up at the time. But I couldn’t stop myself from liking you so much.  I did keep secrets from you at that time because I didn’t want you to see the darker side of my life. The horrible monster Joey really was. I wanted to show you how I was when I was doing ok. Maybe if I was honest with you right away, you might have just left and our lives would have different. 

But even after you found out about the bad, you stayed because I gave you a false hope at least at that time. I was not ready at that time. I was still trying to deal with a lot of my own stuff. But you feel in with a Joey that didn’t really exist. I created that version of me for you. I put on that fake face for you. 

I needed a friend. And I used you. I hate that I used you as a clutch. I used you so I wouldn’t lose the last nice human contact I had. And then I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me. And I didn’t want that. Because I knew that would mean I would have to open up to you. Let you into my fucked up world. I didn’t want you to see that world. But you did anyways. 

I hurt you in ways I can never be sorry for.  In ways I can never forgive myself for. I never wanted to make your life worse. I didn’t want you to worry about me. To stress about my well being. And so then I just pushed you away harder. I tried to lock the door and keep you out. 

And then life gave us another horrible blow and we lost the one woman who was trying to keep us together. We lost our Sophia. I wish I could have been a better friend at that time. I wish I could take back all the fighting I caused. I know I was at least a part of why she did it. I’m sorry I made you go thru that lose. I am sorry you lost the one person you truly love.  I am sorry you lost her. I am sorry for sending her that message and I am sorry for just everything about that time period. Even tho there are parts I don’t remember. And probably will never remember. 

I know I never opened up to you about my feelings. Till they got to be to much and I couldn’t keep them. And I got angry at you even you just wanted to help. That you just wanted to listen. I had to much of an ego to let you in. I felt like I could handle all of this on my own. And I couldn’t and you tried to show me that. And I didn’t want to listen to you. 

You pushed me to start to get better. You pushed to realize that if I kept doing these things I would lose everything. Even tho I have fallen off the wagon a few times. 

I truly am now after getting into trouble that I am trying to get better now.

So I must say thank you. And I have to thank you for trying to make me a better person. And thank for being a friend as long as you were. 

Goodbye Alex.

 I will always be here waiting.  And you will always have a special place in my heart. You will always be on my mind

And the last thing is I hope you find your happiness. And whatever else you need to do to find someone who is right for you. 

I love you Alex. Thanks for the long the talks and for being a friend when I needed it.