Letter to Alex

Alex, 

I don’t think I could fit everything I want into a letter…well I guess a blog post. That you will may never read. But I don’t care about that. There things I need to get off my chest. Things I couldn’t say sooner. And things I should have said sooner. 

When we met I tried not to fall in love with you. I know where I was in my life. I was so mess up at the time. But I couldn’t stop myself from liking you so much.  I did keep secrets from you at that time because I didn’t want you to see the darker side of my life. The horrible monster Joey really was. I wanted to show you how I was when I was doing ok. Maybe if I was honest with you right away, you might have just left and our lives would have different. 

But even after you found out about the bad, you stayed because I gave you a false hope at least at that time. I was not ready at that time. I was still trying to deal with a lot of my own stuff. But you feel in with a Joey that didn’t really exist. I created that version of me for you. I put on that fake face for you. 

I needed a friend. And I used you. I hate that I used you as a clutch. I used you so I wouldn’t lose the last nice human contact I had. And then I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me. And I didn’t want that. Because I knew that would mean I would have to open up to you. Let you into my fucked up world. I didn’t want you to see that world. But you did anyways. 

I hurt you in ways I can never be sorry for.  In ways I can never forgive myself for. I never wanted to make your life worse. I didn’t want you to worry about me. To stress about my well being. And so then I just pushed you away harder. I tried to lock the door and keep you out. 

And then life gave us another horrible blow and we lost the one woman who was trying to keep us together. We lost our Sophia. I wish I could have been a better friend at that time. I wish I could take back all the fighting I caused. I know I was at least a part of why she did it. I’m sorry I made you go thru that lose. I am sorry you lost the one person you truly love.  I am sorry you lost her. I am sorry for sending her that message and I am sorry for just everything about that time period. Even tho there are parts I don’t remember. And probably will never remember. 

I know I never opened up to you about my feelings. Till they got to be to much and I couldn’t keep them. And I got angry at you even you just wanted to help. That you just wanted to listen. I had to much of an ego to let you in. I felt like I could handle all of this on my own. And I couldn’t and you tried to show me that. And I didn’t want to listen to you. 

You pushed me to start to get better. You pushed to realize that if I kept doing these things I would lose everything. Even tho I have fallen off the wagon a few times. 

I truly am now after getting into trouble that I am trying to get better now.

So I must say thank you. And I have to thank you for trying to make me a better person. And thank for being a friend as long as you were. 

Goodbye Alex.

 I will always be here waiting.  And you will always have a special place in my heart. You will always be on my mind

And the last thing is I hope you find your happiness. And whatever else you need to do to find someone who is right for you. 

I love you Alex. Thanks for the long the talks and for being a friend when I needed it.  

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4 thoughts on “Letter to Alex

  1. Alex says:

    I’m turning into a medical nightmare and have just been diagnosed with a disease and might have cancer. It’s better you and I go our own ways. I might not make it much farther in life. My heart is in bad shape with severe swelling around it. It’s being suffocated and I’m not that scared that I might die from it. I’ll be in a better place with no suffering. However, if you want to talk, message me. I know you know my number. I don’t know what time I have left. So I guess I just want to talk to the man I love…please…

    Like

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