To Justin

This isn’t something I wanted to write. But I need to. I might finally be able to move on. To finally let go of  all my grief and anger.  To get out all the things I should have said but didn’t. To finally be able to say goodbye. And this all go. 
Justin, you were the first person I ever truly loved in that way.  In many ways I never understood you like me back. Maybe it was because you thought you could change me or maybe in some way fix me. Or maybe you saw something in me. 

All I can do now is guess. But I did love you. Desperate all of our fights. And all the broken promises. I loved you so much. And losing you was the worst day of my life. I wish I could have been there. I wish I stopped you. I wish I never left. I wish my last words to you weren’t I fucking hate you. But what happened did happen. 

You were the perfect understanding boyfriend that any one would have been lucky to have. And I had you and I broke you. And I used you. And I turned you into a monster. I turned you in to that emotional wreckage that pulled that trigger that day. I helped create that depression and stress you couldn’t get out of. 
I wish I break up with you long before that happened.  I wish I never loved you. I wish I wasn’t so clingy and destructive. But that all I can do is wish. Because I destroyed you as a human being. 
I knew you hated that I was drinking. That you hated that I was doing stupid shit when I should of been with you. But I had to much of an ego and I let it get the better of me. I let my mental health problems get in the way of the most amazing thing I had in my life. We had a beautiful messed up realtionship. And I loved the good times. I loved being in bed with you. I miss being in bed with you. 

And now everytime I try to be with someone, I do the worse thing ever and I compare them all to you. And I can’t be happy without you. I have tried so hard to be happy. But I feel like I don’t deserve because of how much I failed you. I failed you worse then anyone else. I let you down so much. I have made you cry so much. I made you worry about me. I made you, just someone you weren’t. And I am sorry. 

Sorry won’t fix it tho because you are already dead and I just wish I could have more time with you. I just wanted to hold you one more time. To kiss you again just once. 

I wish I could have one day with you. To fix my mistakes. I miss you so much that words can’t even begin to explain it. I just so sorry Justin. 

You were my first love. You were my better half. And I lost you. I lost you to suicide and that sucks. I love you Justin. 



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