New treatment, new hope

I start ECT treatments next week and I am scared and nervous.  And I also have a growing hope in me that this will help. That maybe I will finally be able to sleep. Finally be normal for a while. I know there is a lot of risk involved. But my theaprist thinks this is what is best. Because nothing else seems to be helpful. 

So basically this a last ditch effort so I can lead a normalish life. Never thought it would come to this. But I am willing to try anything. I am tried of living on this brink I can’t get away from. 

So yeah that is the only update I have. 

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Memories and nightmares. 

Since I got sober and started thearpy, it has been unlocking I guess memories I forgot or just decided not to remember. 

Right now they ain’t good and they ain’t bad. Just netural memories. But I scared what else might be lurking in the dark corners of my mind. 

I don’t know if I am ready to handle those memories. I don’t know if I am ready to handle any of this anymore. Since these memories have been coming up, my nightmares have been worse. I feel like I am dieing in my dreams. I hear him and her now. And I see memories that have been melted and twisted together. Their voices mixed together. Sounding so wrong. Making the pain so much worse. 

I can smell the blood and see it. It is on me, it is on the ground. Sometimes I am in what seems like a sea of blood and I am just adrift on a raft in the middle of it and I hear them calling me from somewhere in the depths. 

Sometimes there is just blackness but I can hear their voices calling to me for help. Crying for help. For me to stop them. Then depending on it sometimes I hear a gun shot. Sometimes it the thudding sound of something hitting the ground. Sometimes it is both. And no matter which version there is I still hear the sirens. 

And sometimes I see Justin. Not alive Justin but Justin with a hole in his head and sometimes I see Sophia but like before it’s not her. It was I would think she look like from hitting the ground. Sometimes they are both there. 

I hate sleeping at this point. I don’t want to. 

And no matter what dream happens. I wake up the same. In a cold sweat, breathing heavy and feeling like I want to die. And well this doesn’t happen all the time but sometimes I wake up with a really bad bloody nose. 

Hopefully the dreams will stop soon. I hope they will get better the more I discover of these memories. 

I feel like self harming. I don’t why. It just a feeling that I can’t shake. I don’t know who to talk to about it. I feel like if talk to one person they don’t want to hear it and talking to someone else would just be a bad idea. They would over react and shit like that. I don’t know. I am trying my best to not do it.   Maybe I just will take a nap and hope I wake up feeling better. Maybe I will. 

I feel

I feel so isolated from other people around me. Whenever I get close to someone and I open up to them. They just leave. I don’t why I am such a toxic person. I can’t seem to keep friends or keep anything. 

I don’t know what to do. I am  tried of being alone. I am tried of feeling like I don’t like belong. I feel like I don’t know anymore, I feel numb and meh. I feel alone and isolated. 

I am just miss having something to hide behind. To bury my feelings. To make me feel normal. 

I hate being sober. I hate being drunk and in drugs too.  It’s a no win situation. 

I can’t even sleep anymore.