Since I got sober and started thearpy, it has been unlocking I guess memories I forgot or just decided not to remember.
Right now they ain’t good and they ain’t bad. Just netural memories. But I scared what else might be lurking in the dark corners of my mind.
I don’t know if I am ready to handle those memories. I don’t know if I am ready to handle any of this anymore. Since these memories have been coming up, my nightmares have been worse. I feel like I am dieing in my dreams. I hear him and her now. And I see memories that have been melted and twisted together. Their voices mixed together. Sounding so wrong. Making the pain so much worse.
I can smell the blood and see it. It is on me, it is on the ground. Sometimes I am in what seems like a sea of blood and I am just adrift on a raft in the middle of it and I hear them calling me from somewhere in the depths.
Sometimes there is just blackness but I can hear their voices calling to me for help. Crying for help. For me to stop them. Then depending on it sometimes I hear a gun shot. Sometimes it the thudding sound of something hitting the ground. Sometimes it is both. And no matter which version there is I still hear the sirens.
And sometimes I see Justin. Not alive Justin but Justin with a hole in his head and sometimes I see Sophia but like before it’s not her. It was I would think she look like from hitting the ground. Sometimes they are both there.
I hate sleeping at this point. I don’t want to.
And no matter what dream happens. I wake up the same. In a cold sweat, breathing heavy and feeling like I want to die. And well this doesn’t happen all the time but sometimes I wake up with a really bad bloody nose.
Hopefully the dreams will stop soon. I hope they will get better the more I discover of these memories.