I think I found the one. I mean he knows nothing about my past but maybe that is for the best. I am probably won’t ever tell him about this blog I probably won’t ever tell him about my past. Its probably good.
For my sanity I can’t say anything about it. It will scare him off if I did. But is it lying if I don’t? Would I be manipulating our relationship if I didn’t?
I just really don’t want to tell him. He will think I am a monster. And I don’t want someone else to think that. Because I am not a monster.
I just want this to work out. God I want this so bad.
I need to talk to you. It is an important urgent matter. I don’t even know if you read this. You know who you are
Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.
Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.
Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.
I don’t know why I care to write this. I don’t think I’m doing any good. I am not doing good. I just want to die.
I have tried to kill myself so many times and failed so many times.
I just want my old friends back and my old life back. I want to walk with others as equals. I want to find some one I can love. And do mine who loves despite all my flaws. And my bad past. I just want humans contact again. I miss being hold. I miss talking to people. I miss a lot of things. I miss just things I have no business missing.
I miss I don’t know any more. Nothing helps. No treatments make it better. No medicines help. My brain doesn’t want to get better even tho I do. And I try.
I am still sober for some reason. I haven’t done any drugs. I haven’t drank any alcohol. I am still clean. Maybe that is why I am still miserable. I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now.