Family

I have never been as happy as I am now. Me and my mom have finally started making a relationship. A good relationship. She has been supportive about all that is going on. And I am also respecting that it is going to take a while for her to get use to me being a female now.  But I am happy she is trying. I also meet her new boyfriend. Who is a super sweet guy. And I am happy that she is finally happy. 

I hope so ready to see where our relationship is going in the future. I see nothing but positivity ahead for us. 

So once again thank you mom. I am happy you are trying to be a positive force in my life. And that we are trying to fix our broken relationship. So thank you and I love you. 

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It is amazing what having support from people you care and love can do. The road forward isn’t going to the smoothest road ever. But I am happy for my boyfriend and all of my friends. 

I have learned self acceptance can be the best thing in the world. I finally feel like my life has meaning. Like I am not living a lie anymore. I feel happy for one. A real happy. 

I am happy I can be me finally. I don’t need to keep this secret anymore. I am finally learning to love myself.  

I decided on Karter. I love that name. No clue why but when I say it; it feels like it should have always been my name. It makes smile. 

I can’t wait for this journey to begin. 

Maybe the one

I think I found the one. I mean he knows nothing about my past but maybe that is for the best.  I am probably won’t ever tell him about this blog I probably won’t ever tell him about my past.  Its probably good.

For my sanity I can’t say anything about it. It will scare him off if I did. But is it lying if I don’t? Would I be manipulating our relationship if I didn’t?

I just really don’t want to tell him. He will think I am a monster. And I don’t want someone else to think that. Because I am not a monster.

I just want this to work out. God I want this so bad.

Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.

Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.

Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.

 

 

Hi

I don’t know why I care to write this. I don’t think I’m doing any good. I am not doing good. I just want to die.

I have tried to kill myself so many times and failed so many times.

I just want my old friends back and my old life back. I want to walk with others as equals. I want to find some one I can love. And do mine who loves despite all my flaws. And my bad past. I just want humans contact again. I miss being hold. I miss talking to people. I miss a lot of things. I miss just things I have no business missing.

I miss I don’t know any more. Nothing helps. No treatments make it better. No medicines help. My brain doesn’t want to get better even tho I do. And I try.

I am still sober for some reason. I haven’t done any drugs. I haven’t drank any alcohol. I am still clean. Maybe that is why I am still miserable.  I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now.