Never forget 

I will never forget you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always. 

I will always love you.  I know I am a fuck up. I know all I did was mess up again and again and again. I can’t fix the past. I can’t fix the future now either. I will never fix anything. 

I will never the fixer of problems. I am the problem maker in most of my realtionships. I can’t stop it from happening. I am so sorry tho.

I wish I could take back all the pain. All the worrying. All the stress. Everything. I want to take it all back. And I can’t. I know I can’t. 

So goodbye Alex. My best friend. The only person who believed in me. I hope you find your happiness Alex. I hope you find whatever it is Alex. I will always be waiting for you. Goodbye. 

Diagnosis

I started therapy with a new therapist. He seems like an asshole. Or maybe he is that to me. I don’t know.

But he diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Doesn’t surprise me. Especially since I have been diagnosed with bulimia with anorexia tendencies.

From what I read about, that those seem to go hand in hand.

He also changed some things. Like now I have really bad social anxiety. And that I don’t like to talk because I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from an abusive relationship. And that I have mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And I have depression.

Which I could have told all of that. But now I am not sure what to think.

Reason to fight

I think I finally found a real reason to keep fighting. I am once really truly happy with the person, I am going out with. I want to keep fighting against all of the bad in my head so I can be happy with him.  He has become my reason to fight. To do everything in my power to keep going on my path of recovery. And just try to make us work. And make a strong relationship.  

I know I have a good thing with him. And he is my reason to keep fighting. 

Fixing life

I have no idea what to write about. After I got out, I just been trying to fix everything. I am trying to make my lifr stable. And if that plan is working, I am not sure. 

I go to therapy now. And I am now ln lithium to stabilize my moods. They say I have borderline personality disorder or BPD and post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. 

Its hard to grasp that I guess I am way more messed up then I thought. I have been trying to make better decisions. 

I haven’t drunk any alcohol since I got out. And there has been no drugs. I still smoke my cigarettes tho. It is my last bad habit I guess. 

I have tried to weed out all of my bad influences and that hasn’t been easy. Nothing about this is easy tho. Trying to put back together a broken life.  Especially when there are people who will hold your past against you. 

I still am sorry about my behavior. And I don’t know anymore. Now without those clutches of drugs and alcohol. I feel more alone. 

But that’s all I have right now. 

Almost died. 

I got into a fight with someone and I did the worst possible thing I could do. I decided to do drugs again after being clean for awhile. And I accidentally overdosed. I almost died from it and I happy I didn’t. And that is why I have been gone for a while. I’m sorry to anyone I hurt by doing it. But I just don’t know how else to cope with these huge amounts of bad feelings. Like if we fight you will just be angry amd maybe afterwards feel guilty. What I feel is anger, guilt, shame, rejection and feeling I am losing control. And I just am sorry. 
I can’t control myself. I try to. I try to tunr off that part of my brain. I try to just deal with it. But nothing helps. I want to get better and have a better life. More normal stable life. I want to have good relationships. Friends. A good job. I do seriously want that. Everyone does.  Well at least I hope so. 

No title just writing

I am not okay.  I don’t know how to be ok. I don’t know how to do normal human things without messing it up. I can’t be a normal human. I will always be the messed up. The one who people have to blame for whatever ia wrong in their life.

I messed up and I know I do. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. But I didn’t. I can’t force oit memories that dont exist. I just can’t. I mean I make up some excuse but they would be lies. And I’m trying not to lie. And I know I am failing hard at that. I wanted that perfect life at one point in my life. But I never have it.

Happiness is just something I can’t achieve. I try for it but it fails. Its like my mind knows what it is, what it looks like but my mind doesn’t understand how to get there. Doesn’t understand the real feeling of happiness. And when I am happy, it doesn’t understand what it is. I am tired tho of the fake smiles and the empty laughter that has no meaning.

I am so tired of pretending that I am getting better when I know I am not. And its not from lack of trying. I have been. My inner demons are just to much. I am not even sure I know who Joey is anymore. Or who that person was.

I just feel confused and on the edge lately. My head is always pounding. My mind is racing all the time. My chest hurts because of all the stuff racing thru my head. And all the bad dreams I have at night. The bad dreams of people I care for dieing and me not being able to do anything.

Can’t eat. Makes the panic worse. Makes my anxiety raise. I don’t know why that is. I feel like I am dieing and just might be.

I don’t know anymore. I just want to be alone and just be able to think with the thoughts crashed into each other like a high speed car accident. Getting all mixed up and the words being all in the wrong places.

This is just how I am feeling right now. I guess. I am noy sure.