Never forget 

I will never forget you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always. 

I will always love you.  I know I am a fuck up. I know all I did was mess up again and again and again. I can’t fix the past. I can’t fix the future now either. I will never fix anything. 

I will never the fixer of problems. I am the problem maker in most of my realtionships. I can’t stop it from happening. I am so sorry tho.

I wish I could take back all the pain. All the worrying. All the stress. Everything. I want to take it all back. And I can’t. I know I can’t. 

So goodbye Alex. My best friend. The only person who believed in me. I hope you find your happiness Alex. I hope you find whatever it is Alex. I will always be waiting for you. Goodbye. 

Diagnosis

I started therapy with a new therapist. He seems like an asshole. Or maybe he is that to me. I don’t know.

But he diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Doesn’t surprise me. Especially since I have been diagnosed with bulimia with anorexia tendencies.

From what I read about, that those seem to go hand in hand.

He also changed some things. Like now I have really bad social anxiety. And that I don’t like to talk because I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from an abusive relationship. And that I have mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And I have depression.

Which I could have told all of that. But now I am not sure what to think.

Medical

I knew that my stomach problems was going to come out as something bad but I never thought about in terms of my lifestyle.

With this diagnose, I have to change my whole lifestyle. Be careful of what I eat. When I eat. And how much I eat. I always have to make sure, I need get enough calories so I don’t starve. I can’t have any of my comfort foods. Like cookies, and sweets. I can’t eat anything unless its basically liquid and/or will not take long to digest.

This really hit me hard. I am still really upset about it. I know I shouldn’t be upset by it because there people out there who have it worse then I do. But at the same time, it is hard. And then you are around people who don’t understand.

I really wish I knew what I know now about bulimia. Because maybe somehow I could have avoided this. And avoided ruining the rest of my life. There is no cure for the damage that is done. There is no getting better from this. Its pills every 6 hours and being super careful of what you are eating. And dealing with the consequences of eating something bad.

The stomach pain, the constant nausea,just the general over all feeling of being sick. And you always run the risk of getting way sicker if the food sits in there for awhile.

It is a never ending cycle. And it sucks. I just hope if someone has bulimia, they get help before it is too late. And before there is permanent damage to their bodies.