Done. 

I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am dead. I feel dead. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t function at all. I just want to die. 

Just close my eyes and not wake up anymore. There is no point to being alive when all the life in you feels like it has been sucked out of. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just an empty shell. I got my soul sucked out of me.  That what this feeling is.

I am just empty. An empty vessel that has a beating heart and and functional brain. That is all I ever will be. 

I can’t do this anymore. I tried. I know it doesn’t look like that but I have. 

I have tried so hard. And I have tried to keep going. I am so really to stop being strong. I can’t be strong anymore. This weight is to much. 

I said my sorrys to the people I needed too. And most of them are dead so I guess it didn’t matter.

 

Letter to Sophia

Sophia, 

Where do I start? Do I start at the beginning or at the end? I honestly wish you never stepped off that ledge.  I wish I was a better friend and I was there for you when you really needed it. I wish we didn’t fight. I wish I could take back everything I did. I wish I did just leave you two alone because maybe you two would be happy together.  But it to late for that. 

You were my oldest and most dearest friend. We did everything together for a long time. We were glued together.  And with that said, we also started our downward spiral together.  We hit that bottom not at the same time but close to it 

I remember the first time we ever got drunk together and you fell down the basement stairs and bust your lip open.  I remember us skipping out on school to go smoke. 

I remember getting expelled from school for you. I got into so many fights when those bullies would pick on you. No one could hurt my Sophia. 

But I did hurt you. And I am sorry for hurting you.  Even before that last time. 

I remember when our lives got in tangled. That time on the playground when I pushed you in a mud puddle and the next day you punched me. That was the start of our friendship. 

I miss you so much and I regret my last words to you. I will regret for the rest of my life. 

I wish our friendship wasn’t so destructive. I wish our friendship was so much better then what it was.   I wish I could just lie and stay we had the perfect friendship but we didn’t. 

I remember most of our time together. The bad memories and the good memories even tho I wish I had more good memories to remember. I just remember more bad because we were so destructive together. Together, me and you were just each other’s toxic to fill each other up. 

I love you Sophia. And as much as I wishh, I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future. And sadly that is without you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you again. I am sorry I failed you one last time. And this time there is no fixing it.

I am sorry. 

Goodbye Sophia. I hope you finally found some kind of peace and happiness. I hope whatever was deeply troubling is better now. I hope you are with your parents again. 

Never forget 

I will never forget you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always. 

I will always love you.  I know I am a fuck up. I know all I did was mess up again and again and again. I can’t fix the past. I can’t fix the future now either. I will never fix anything. 

I will never the fixer of problems. I am the problem maker in most of my realtionships. I can’t stop it from happening. I am so sorry tho.

I wish I could take back all the pain. All the worrying. All the stress. Everything. I want to take it all back. And I can’t. I know I can’t. 

So goodbye Alex. My best friend. The only person who believed in me. I hope you find your happiness Alex. I hope you find whatever it is Alex. I will always be waiting for you. Goodbye. 

It doesn’t end

I’m sorry I can not keep up this facade that I am ok. Even at my happiest, I feel like I’m drowning. But I keep this happy face on for you. For everything. I want to feel it. I want it to be real. I am feel like I’m faking it till I make it. But I feel like I am never going to make. 

It just never ends. Just constantly feel like I am drowning. Like I should just let it all go. Give into the darkness. Just close my eyes and fall into a gentle sleep. 

I never thought it would ever come to this. This is why I don’t want you to see me because you would how much I was lying to you. 

No matter how hard I try. The memories are too much. It seems everything triggers some horrible memory. I am sorry. 

I love you.   I know what to do. 

Almost died. 

I got into a fight with someone and I did the worst possible thing I could do. I decided to do drugs again after being clean for awhile. And I accidentally overdosed. I almost died from it and I happy I didn’t. And that is why I have been gone for a while. I’m sorry to anyone I hurt by doing it. But I just don’t know how else to cope with these huge amounts of bad feelings. Like if we fight you will just be angry amd maybe afterwards feel guilty. What I feel is anger, guilt, shame, rejection and feeling I am losing control. And I just am sorry. 
I can’t control myself. I try to. I try to tunr off that part of my brain. I try to just deal with it. But nothing helps. I want to get better and have a better life. More normal stable life. I want to have good relationships. Friends. A good job. I do seriously want that. Everyone does.  Well at least I hope so. 

No title just writing

I am not okay.  I don’t know how to be ok. I don’t know how to do normal human things without messing it up. I can’t be a normal human. I will always be the messed up. The one who people have to blame for whatever ia wrong in their life.

I messed up and I know I do. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. But I didn’t. I can’t force oit memories that dont exist. I just can’t. I mean I make up some excuse but they would be lies. And I’m trying not to lie. And I know I am failing hard at that. I wanted that perfect life at one point in my life. But I never have it.

Happiness is just something I can’t achieve. I try for it but it fails. Its like my mind knows what it is, what it looks like but my mind doesn’t understand how to get there. Doesn’t understand the real feeling of happiness. And when I am happy, it doesn’t understand what it is. I am tired tho of the fake smiles and the empty laughter that has no meaning.

I am so tired of pretending that I am getting better when I know I am not. And its not from lack of trying. I have been. My inner demons are just to much. I am not even sure I know who Joey is anymore. Or who that person was.

I just feel confused and on the edge lately. My head is always pounding. My mind is racing all the time. My chest hurts because of all the stuff racing thru my head. And all the bad dreams I have at night. The bad dreams of people I care for dieing and me not being able to do anything.

Can’t eat. Makes the panic worse. Makes my anxiety raise. I don’t know why that is. I feel like I am dieing and just might be.

I don’t know anymore. I just want to be alone and just be able to think with the thoughts crashed into each other like a high speed car accident. Getting all mixed up and the words being all in the wrong places.

This is just how I am feeling right now. I guess. I am noy sure.

I was never good at saying good byes. I was never good at opening up about my thoughts, my feelings.

I just need to go. I am breaking all the promises and reassures I made. Old and new ones. I am just done with the constant battle between my heart and mind.  I am done fighting with the demons that are trying to consume me.

I am done pretending my feelings don’t matter. I just know I need my escape. I need to hit my panic button and escape. Time to bail. Time to stop.

Time to crease the beating of my heart. Stop the air going into my lungs. Stop inhaling and exhaling.