I can’t

I can’t this to myself anymore.

I can’t sit here and worry about you all the time.

I can’t just wait for you to maybe answer me.

I can’t do it anymore.

I still want you and I still need you.

But this shit is killing me.

I have tried putting it all behind me

But your just constantly on my brain.

I can’t stop thinking about you

I can’t stop wondering if you are ok.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have tried moving on.

I tried to forgot.

Advertisements

Thoughts 

I feel like I’m over worrying about people. I don’t know why I am so attached to them but I am. 

And then my mom got really sick and of course the other half that helped make me was there. And I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. Mostly  because I’m not what he wanted me to be and I’m not who he wanted as a child. In his eyes I am a failure. I am nothing. 

And I just have to remember that his thoughts don’t have to affect me. His words of hate don’t have to affect me. I can chose to ignore his hate. I can chose how it will impact my life. Those are not his choices but mine. 

I just am really tired lately from worry and just stress. And it being winter doesn’t help. 

More secrets. More lies. 

So my friend who has a thing for minors had sex with someone underage I guess and its probably not true but still. 

Her real name is Marie not Sophia. Even tho she only wanted people to call her Sophia.

She has naturally dark hair not blonde. 

He didn’t love me, he just didn’t want me to die. Even tho he did. So I don’t know how well that worked out. 

She wasn’t just addicted to drinking. She also was addicted to pills. 

A friend lied about his death and changed his name to runaway from the past and also to hide it. 

My friend had a really shitty ex who did super bad things that I’m not going to say. 

My mom is a horrible alcoholic who is not really getting better but we aren’t suppose to talk about. And just act like everything is normal. 

Now for my own. Its only fair. 

I didn’t really him. I just wanted someone to be close to me so I lied to him or maybe I did at some point and it just got lost. I don’t know 

I know how she really died but I can’t tell. I guess that is one thing I will take to my grave. 

I can’t feel enjoyment or pleasure because how bad my depression got. It drives me insane.