Doing good.

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile. Been a lot happening in my life the last couple of weeks. Finally got everything done in the house!

I found an amazing doctor here too! And things are going very well right. I feel like my life is on the path where it needs to be.

I haven’t drunk any alcohol in a long time now and I also haven’t done any drugs. I am super proud of that fact

Oh and I started going to school! I never thought I would get to this place in my life.

 

And I finally decided to go by Karter and that I will use female pronouns.

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Getting things out

How can I miss you? Why I guess is a better question. I am truly happy with my life right now. I love my boyfriend. I love the path I am on. I am honestly in the best place then I have been in years.

But there is still this weird piece of me that’s not whole. That doesn’t feel right. I don’t know if it’s because of you. Or because of everyone I have lost over the years. Maybe it just me coming to terms of what a horrible person I have been to everyone. Whatever the reasoning is. I hate it.

And it scares me. It like a tiny darkness that I can’t get rid of. Its the piece of me I can’t fill in.

Why do I do this to myself? I know things are probably meant to be this way. I think.  Maybe. I am not sure. Fuck for all I know you are dead. Also sidenote I was misspelled dead and it autocorrected to free which for you those two are pretty similar. Especially in your vocab the last couple of times we talked.

Before you stoped. And I cut out. I still am sorry for that. I just don’t know how to function around you anymore. It all got weird. We got all weird.

Our friendship got weird. It got all tangled with things that it shouldn’t have. My feelings were real and I know your feelings were too so I guess in the end that is all that matters.

 

Moving!

I am so exciting we are moving! I can’t wait! Life is so good right now and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

I started working from home and I am just feeling happier. And not so down anymore.

And I just excited we are moving! We moving to Chicago. Despite the fact I didn’t want for other reason but it will be fine. And it more like we are going to be living outside of the city. We put in an offer on an amazing house. And it so beautiful and I can’t wait to move in!

Letting go

I know you read my blog sometimes. And since you won’t talk to me. This is the only way I can get thru to you. 

I tried to be friends.  I wanted to be friend with you again. But I realize I can’t be.  I guess I was always hoping you would grow out of your feelings for me but I don’t think you ever will. 

And right now I have a boyfriend who I love more then anything. And I am trying really hard not to ruin this one. And I am working on getting my life to a good place. 

And I realize I can’t do that being friends with you. You know to much about my past. And I don’t you using that against me. I’m not saying you will but that fear is still there. 

Me and my mom are finally working on things and it makes me so happy we are. 

I finally found a little place in this world where I feel like I belong. I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. 

But like with everything else. I have to let you go. I need to let all of my past go. And it not easy for me to write this because I don’t want to let you go but I know I need to. 

I just hope you don’t blame yourself. Because its not your fault. I just want you to be happy. I want us to be happy and the only way that is going to happen is if I let you go.

I hope you find happiness in your life and I hope you find a great person to be with. And I hope you don’t go back to how you used to be and you stay happy Alex. 

Family

I have never been as happy as I am now. Me and my mom have finally started making a relationship. A good relationship. She has been supportive about all that is going on. And I am also respecting that it is going to take a while for her to get use to me being a female now.  But I am happy she is trying. I also meet her new boyfriend. Who is a super sweet guy. And I am happy that she is finally happy. 

I hope so ready to see where our relationship is going in the future. I see nothing but positivity ahead for us. 

So once again thank you mom. I am happy you are trying to be a positive force in my life. And that we are trying to fix our broken relationship. So thank you and I love you. 

It is amazing what having support from people you care and love can do. The road forward isn’t going to the smoothest road ever. But I am happy for my boyfriend and all of my friends. 

I have learned self acceptance can be the best thing in the world. I finally feel like my life has meaning. Like I am not living a lie anymore. I feel happy for one. A real happy. 

I am happy I can be me finally. I don’t need to keep this secret anymore. I am finally learning to love myself.  

I decided on Karter. I love that name. No clue why but when I say it; it feels like it should have always been my name. It makes smile. 

I can’t wait for this journey to begin. 

Maybe the one

I think I found the one. I mean he knows nothing about my past but maybe that is for the best.  I am probably won’t ever tell him about this blog I probably won’t ever tell him about my past.  Its probably good.

For my sanity I can’t say anything about it. It will scare him off if I did. But is it lying if I don’t? Would I be manipulating our relationship if I didn’t?

I just really don’t want to tell him. He will think I am a monster. And I don’t want someone else to think that. Because I am not a monster.

I just want this to work out. God I want this so bad.