Vent I guess

Sorry. I haven’t been writing a lot for awhile. I have had some changes in my life. Some good. Some bad. But I guess that is how life goes.

But I am trying to be ok with the negative stuff. And not let control me as much. If tho it is hard to do because of my anxiety and depression. But I  am trying.

Even tho I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. But every one says I am. I just don’t feel it.

I still can’t see what other people see in me. Why people see so much good in me. I don’t see it at all.

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I can’t

I can’t this to myself anymore.

I can’t sit here and worry about you all the time.

I can’t just wait for you to maybe answer me.

I can’t do it anymore.

I still want you and I still need you.

But this shit is killing me.

I have tried putting it all behind me

But your just constantly on my brain.

I can’t stop thinking about you

I can’t stop wondering if you are ok.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have tried moving on.

I tried to forgot.

Why do I keep writing

I wish I had all the words to express how I feel. But I just don’t.

This horrible lingering I don’t even know what it is anymore. Loneliness but it’s not really that. It’s a weird mixture of depression, anger, regret, worry, and numbness.

There isn’t the right word for it. My emotions are just made so much more intense because of my sleep. Well more the lack of sleep.

But sleeping has always been a struggle for me. Probably will always be a struggle.

And then a rogue message from that person. Well just made me realize other things.

I guess things never change.

Even tho I am with someone else.

I feel kinda bad. A little.

Weird night

I’m officially have turned into that weird stalker..i mean like i haven’t followed anyone home. It is more of I need to know they are ok. Then actual stalking. I’m sure they don’t even know which is for the better. I need to stop tho.

Tonight has just been weird. Got a weird message. Got a weird feeling. I don’t know. Mix with being tired and not being able to sleep. Might go for a drive. Need to just clear my head.

Thoughts 

I feel like I’m over worrying about people. I don’t know why I am so attached to them but I am. 

And then my mom got really sick and of course the other half that helped make me was there. And I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. Mostly  because I’m not what he wanted me to be and I’m not who he wanted as a child. In his eyes I am a failure. I am nothing. 

And I just have to remember that his thoughts don’t have to affect me. His words of hate don’t have to affect me. I can chose to ignore his hate. I can chose how it will impact my life. Those are not his choices but mine. 

I just am really tired lately from worry and just stress. And it being winter doesn’t help. 

Ugh

I fell off the wagon. I’m sorry. The voices inside in my head were to loud.

I couldn’t tune them out. Just to much noise. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I always let everyone down. I am a let down.

I don’t deserve to have the people I do in my life.

I hate myself so much for giving in. I hate myself for caving in.

More secrets. More lies. 

So my friend who has a thing for minors had sex with someone underage I guess and its probably not true but still. 

Her real name is Marie not Sophia. Even tho she only wanted people to call her Sophia.

She has naturally dark hair not blonde. 

He didn’t love me, he just didn’t want me to die. Even tho he did. So I don’t know how well that worked out. 

She wasn’t just addicted to drinking. She also was addicted to pills. 

A friend lied about his death and changed his name to runaway from the past and also to hide it. 

My friend had a really shitty ex who did super bad things that I’m not going to say. 

My mom is a horrible alcoholic who is not really getting better but we aren’t suppose to talk about. And just act like everything is normal. 

Now for my own. Its only fair. 

I didn’t really him. I just wanted someone to be close to me so I lied to him or maybe I did at some point and it just got lost. I don’t know 

I know how she really died but I can’t tell. I guess that is one thing I will take to my grave. 

I can’t feel enjoyment or pleasure because how bad my depression got. It drives me insane.