Doing good.

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile. Been a lot happening in my life the last couple of weeks. Finally got everything done in the house!

I found an amazing doctor here too! And things are going very well right. I feel like my life is on the path where it needs to be.

I haven’t drunk any alcohol in a long time now and I also haven’t done any drugs. I am super proud of that fact

Oh and I started going to school! I never thought I would get to this place in my life.

 

And I finally decided to go by Karter and that I will use female pronouns.

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Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.

Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.

Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.

 

 

Hi

I don’t know why I care to write this. I don’t think I’m doing any good. I am not doing good. I just want to die.

I have tried to kill myself so many times and failed so many times.

I just want my old friends back and my old life back. I want to walk with others as equals. I want to find some one I can love. And do mine who loves despite all my flaws. And my bad past. I just want humans contact again. I miss being hold. I miss talking to people. I miss a lot of things. I miss just things I have no business missing.

I miss I don’t know any more. Nothing helps. No treatments make it better. No medicines help. My brain doesn’t want to get better even tho I do. And I try.

I am still sober for some reason. I haven’t done any drugs. I haven’t drank any alcohol. I am still clean. Maybe that is why I am still miserable.  I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now.

Not deleting 

Yeah I am not deleting anything just because you asked. I put me into these blogs. I put how I feel into these. Because I don’t have any other way to fully vent these crazy things that go on. I talk to a theapist but I stop don’t tell her everything. Because I know where that will put me. And I don’t wanna go there. 

So please stop asking me to remove shit because I am not. So just leave me alone. I am done with it. This is mine. And I don’t care what you say. You can’t stop me from writing on here. 

So Just leave me alone. If you don’t like what I write then don’t read it. 

Done. 

I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am dead. I feel dead. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t function at all. I just want to die. 

Just close my eyes and not wake up anymore. There is no point to being alive when all the life in you feels like it has been sucked out of. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just an empty shell. I got my soul sucked out of me.  That what this feeling is.

I am just empty. An empty vessel that has a beating heart and and functional brain. That is all I ever will be. 

I can’t do this anymore. I tried. I know it doesn’t look like that but I have. 

I have tried so hard. And I have tried to keep going. I am so really to stop being strong. I can’t be strong anymore. This weight is to much. 

I said my sorrys to the people I needed too. And most of them are dead so I guess it didn’t matter.

 

Letter to Sophia

Sophia, 

Where do I start? Do I start at the beginning or at the end? I honestly wish you never stepped off that ledge.  I wish I was a better friend and I was there for you when you really needed it. I wish we didn’t fight. I wish I could take back everything I did. I wish I did just leave you two alone because maybe you two would be happy together.  But it to late for that. 

You were my oldest and most dearest friend. We did everything together for a long time. We were glued together.  And with that said, we also started our downward spiral together.  We hit that bottom not at the same time but close to it 

I remember the first time we ever got drunk together and you fell down the basement stairs and bust your lip open.  I remember us skipping out on school to go smoke. 

I remember getting expelled from school for you. I got into so many fights when those bullies would pick on you. No one could hurt my Sophia. 

But I did hurt you. And I am sorry for hurting you.  Even before that last time. 

I remember when our lives got in tangled. That time on the playground when I pushed you in a mud puddle and the next day you punched me. That was the start of our friendship. 

I miss you so much and I regret my last words to you. I will regret for the rest of my life. 

I wish our friendship wasn’t so destructive. I wish our friendship was so much better then what it was.   I wish I could just lie and stay we had the perfect friendship but we didn’t. 

I remember most of our time together. The bad memories and the good memories even tho I wish I had more good memories to remember. I just remember more bad because we were so destructive together. Together, me and you were just each other’s toxic to fill each other up. 

I love you Sophia. And as much as I wishh, I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future. And sadly that is without you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you again. I am sorry I failed you one last time. And this time there is no fixing it.

I am sorry. 

Goodbye Sophia. I hope you finally found some kind of peace and happiness. I hope whatever was deeply troubling is better now. I hope you are with your parents again. 

Letter to Alex

Alex, 

I don’t think I could fit everything I want into a letter…well I guess a blog post. That you will may never read. But I don’t care about that. There things I need to get off my chest. Things I couldn’t say sooner. And things I should have said sooner. 

When we met I tried not to fall in love with you. I know where I was in my life. I was so mess up at the time. But I couldn’t stop myself from liking you so much.  I did keep secrets from you at that time because I didn’t want you to see the darker side of my life. The horrible monster Joey really was. I wanted to show you how I was when I was doing ok. Maybe if I was honest with you right away, you might have just left and our lives would have different. 

But even after you found out about the bad, you stayed because I gave you a false hope at least at that time. I was not ready at that time. I was still trying to deal with a lot of my own stuff. But you feel in with a Joey that didn’t really exist. I created that version of me for you. I put on that fake face for you. 

I needed a friend. And I used you. I hate that I used you as a clutch. I used you so I wouldn’t lose the last nice human contact I had. And then I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me. And I didn’t want that. Because I knew that would mean I would have to open up to you. Let you into my fucked up world. I didn’t want you to see that world. But you did anyways. 

I hurt you in ways I can never be sorry for.  In ways I can never forgive myself for. I never wanted to make your life worse. I didn’t want you to worry about me. To stress about my well being. And so then I just pushed you away harder. I tried to lock the door and keep you out. 

And then life gave us another horrible blow and we lost the one woman who was trying to keep us together. We lost our Sophia. I wish I could have been a better friend at that time. I wish I could take back all the fighting I caused. I know I was at least a part of why she did it. I’m sorry I made you go thru that lose. I am sorry you lost the one person you truly love.  I am sorry you lost her. I am sorry for sending her that message and I am sorry for just everything about that time period. Even tho there are parts I don’t remember. And probably will never remember. 

I know I never opened up to you about my feelings. Till they got to be to much and I couldn’t keep them. And I got angry at you even you just wanted to help. That you just wanted to listen. I had to much of an ego to let you in. I felt like I could handle all of this on my own. And I couldn’t and you tried to show me that. And I didn’t want to listen to you. 

You pushed me to start to get better. You pushed to realize that if I kept doing these things I would lose everything. Even tho I have fallen off the wagon a few times. 

I truly am now after getting into trouble that I am trying to get better now.

So I must say thank you. And I have to thank you for trying to make me a better person. And thank for being a friend as long as you were. 

Goodbye Alex.

 I will always be here waiting.  And you will always have a special place in my heart. You will always be on my mind

And the last thing is I hope you find your happiness. And whatever else you need to do to find someone who is right for you. 

I love you Alex. Thanks for the long the talks and for being a friend when I needed it.