Ugh

I fell off the wagon. I’m sorry. The voices inside in my head were to loud.

I couldn’t tune them out. Just to much noise. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I always let everyone down. I am a let down.

I don’t deserve to have the people I do in my life.

I hate myself so much for giving in. I hate myself for caving in.

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Why have these emotions? These uncomfortable ones. The ones that make you feel like you are worth less and stupid. And a horrible person. 

I want to drown them all. But then I would be quiter. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to give up on this. 

But I still want to drown them. I don’t know. I know I wouldn’t. I am a kinda better person now. But still. 

I have some more secerts to let go of and I will write a post later with those. I just need to let them all out. I think its time. I hope it’s time. I know I will get hated for it. But I don’t care. 

I’m tired of being the secret keeper. 

I can’t be anymore. 

So sorry to everyone I might let down. 

Sorry to the people I will hurt. 

Sorry to everyone. 

I can’t be this anymore 

I need to let them go. 

Its time. 

Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.

Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.

Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.

 

 

Hi

I don’t know why I care to write this. I don’t think I’m doing any good. I am not doing good. I just want to die.

I have tried to kill myself so many times and failed so many times.

I just want my old friends back and my old life back. I want to walk with others as equals. I want to find some one I can love. And do mine who loves despite all my flaws. And my bad past. I just want humans contact again. I miss being hold. I miss talking to people. I miss a lot of things. I miss just things I have no business missing.

I miss I don’t know any more. Nothing helps. No treatments make it better. No medicines help. My brain doesn’t want to get better even tho I do. And I try.

I am still sober for some reason. I haven’t done any drugs. I haven’t drank any alcohol. I am still clean. Maybe that is why I am still miserable.  I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now.

Not deleting 

Yeah I am not deleting anything just because you asked. I put me into these blogs. I put how I feel into these. Because I don’t have any other way to fully vent these crazy things that go on. I talk to a theapist but I stop don’t tell her everything. Because I know where that will put me. And I don’t wanna go there. 

So please stop asking me to remove shit because I am not. So just leave me alone. I am done with it. This is mine. And I don’t care what you say. You can’t stop me from writing on here. 

So Just leave me alone. If you don’t like what I write then don’t read it. 

Done. 

I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am dead. I feel dead. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t function at all. I just want to die. 

Just close my eyes and not wake up anymore. There is no point to being alive when all the life in you feels like it has been sucked out of. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just an empty shell. I got my soul sucked out of me.  That what this feeling is.

I am just empty. An empty vessel that has a beating heart and and functional brain. That is all I ever will be. 

I can’t do this anymore. I tried. I know it doesn’t look like that but I have. 

I have tried so hard. And I have tried to keep going. I am so really to stop being strong. I can’t be strong anymore. This weight is to much. 

I said my sorrys to the people I needed too. And most of them are dead so I guess it didn’t matter.

 

Letter to Sophia

Sophia, 

Where do I start? Do I start at the beginning or at the end? I honestly wish you never stepped off that ledge.  I wish I was a better friend and I was there for you when you really needed it. I wish we didn’t fight. I wish I could take back everything I did. I wish I did just leave you two alone because maybe you two would be happy together.  But it to late for that. 

You were my oldest and most dearest friend. We did everything together for a long time. We were glued together.  And with that said, we also started our downward spiral together.  We hit that bottom not at the same time but close to it 

I remember the first time we ever got drunk together and you fell down the basement stairs and bust your lip open.  I remember us skipping out on school to go smoke. 

I remember getting expelled from school for you. I got into so many fights when those bullies would pick on you. No one could hurt my Sophia. 

But I did hurt you. And I am sorry for hurting you.  Even before that last time. 

I remember when our lives got in tangled. That time on the playground when I pushed you in a mud puddle and the next day you punched me. That was the start of our friendship. 

I miss you so much and I regret my last words to you. I will regret for the rest of my life. 

I wish our friendship wasn’t so destructive. I wish our friendship was so much better then what it was.   I wish I could just lie and stay we had the perfect friendship but we didn’t. 

I remember most of our time together. The bad memories and the good memories even tho I wish I had more good memories to remember. I just remember more bad because we were so destructive together. Together, me and you were just each other’s toxic to fill each other up. 

I love you Sophia. And as much as I wishh, I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future. And sadly that is without you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you again. I am sorry I failed you one last time. And this time there is no fixing it.

I am sorry. 

Goodbye Sophia. I hope you finally found some kind of peace and happiness. I hope whatever was deeply troubling is better now. I hope you are with your parents again.