I fell off the wagon. I’m sorry. The voices inside in my head were to loud.
I couldn’t tune them out. Just to much noise. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I always let everyone down. I am a let down.
I don’t deserve to have the people I do in my life.
I hate myself so much for giving in. I hate myself for caving in.
I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am dead. I feel dead. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t function at all. I just want to die.
Just close my eyes and not wake up anymore. There is no point to being alive when all the life in you feels like it has been sucked out of. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just an empty shell. I got my soul sucked out of me. That what this feeling is.
I am just empty. An empty vessel that has a beating heart and and functional brain. That is all I ever will be.
I can’t do this anymore. I tried. I know it doesn’t look like that but I have.
I have tried so hard. And I have tried to keep going. I am so really to stop being strong. I can’t be strong anymore. This weight is to much.
I said my sorrys to the people I needed too. And most of them are dead so I guess it didn’t matter.
I started therapy with a new therapist. He seems like an asshole. Or maybe he is that to me. I don’t know.
But he diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Doesn’t surprise me. Especially since I have been diagnosed with bulimia with anorexia tendencies.
From what I read about, that those seem to go hand in hand.
He also changed some things. Like now I have really bad social anxiety. And that I don’t like to talk because I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from an abusive relationship. And that I have mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And I have depression.
Which I could have told all of that. But now I am not sure what to think.
I am sorry I haven’t been on lately. I have been just been really super busy. I realized how much I miss everyone. Just been going thru up and downs and going thru a few corkscrews. I guess my life is a roller coaster. I am in treatment now. Well I really had no choice.
And I have to go to therapy every week and stuff. But I guess its going ok. I am really trying this time but I guess I say that a lot. Maybe I should stop saying that. It is probably my way of lying to myself. To make it seem like maybe I can do this.
What do you do when things you thought you knew wasn’t true?
I guess I chose to drink till I lost 3 days or something. Not sure actually. Don’t really care. I hate it.
I don’t trust anyone. I don’t want to trust anyone again. I am so done.
I got into a fight with someone and I did the worst possible thing I could do. I decided to do drugs again after being clean for awhile. And I accidentally overdosed. I almost died from it and I happy I didn’t. And that is why I have been gone for a while. I’m sorry to anyone I hurt by doing it. But I just don’t know how else to cope with these huge amounts of bad feelings. Like if we fight you will just be angry amd maybe afterwards feel guilty. What I feel is anger, guilt, shame, rejection and feeling I am losing control. And I just am sorry.
I can’t control myself. I try to. I try to tunr off that part of my brain. I try to just deal with it. But nothing helps. I want to get better and have a better life. More normal stable life. I want to have good relationships. Friends. A good job. I do seriously want that. Everyone does. Well at least I hope so.
I’m sorry to everyone I let down. I’m sorry to all the people I will hurt. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt now.
I can’t stop it now. There is no stopping it. I just want to let it all go.
I’m too tired. I don’t want to fight this monster anymore. I gave in. And I give up. I’m sorry.