I can’t

I can’t this to myself anymore.

I can’t sit here and worry about you all the time.

I can’t just wait for you to maybe answer me.

I can’t do it anymore.

I still want you and I still need you.

But this shit is killing me.

I have tried putting it all behind me

But your just constantly on my brain.

I can’t stop thinking about you

I can’t stop wondering if you are ok.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have tried moving on.

I tried to forgot.

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Ugh

I fell off the wagon. I’m sorry. The voices inside in my head were to loud.

I couldn’t tune them out. Just to much noise. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I always let everyone down. I am a let down.

I don’t deserve to have the people I do in my life.

I hate myself so much for giving in. I hate myself for caving in.

More secrets. More lies. 

So my friend who has a thing for minors had sex with someone underage I guess and its probably not true but still. 

Her real name is Marie not Sophia. Even tho she only wanted people to call her Sophia.

She has naturally dark hair not blonde. 

He didn’t love me, he just didn’t want me to die. Even tho he did. So I don’t know how well that worked out. 

She wasn’t just addicted to drinking. She also was addicted to pills. 

A friend lied about his death and changed his name to runaway from the past and also to hide it. 

My friend had a really shitty ex who did super bad things that I’m not going to say. 

My mom is a horrible alcoholic who is not really getting better but we aren’t suppose to talk about. And just act like everything is normal. 

Now for my own. Its only fair. 

I didn’t really him. I just wanted someone to be close to me so I lied to him or maybe I did at some point and it just got lost. I don’t know 

I know how she really died but I can’t tell. I guess that is one thing I will take to my grave. 

I can’t feel enjoyment or pleasure because how bad my depression got. It drives me insane.  

Why have these emotions? These uncomfortable ones. The ones that make you feel like you are worth less and stupid. And a horrible person. 

I want to drown them all. But then I would be quiter. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to give up on this. 

But I still want to drown them. I don’t know. I know I wouldn’t. I am a kinda better person now. But still. 

I have some more secerts to let go of and I will write a post later with those. I just need to let them all out. I think its time. I hope it’s time. I know I will get hated for it. But I don’t care. 

I’m tired of being the secret keeper. 

I can’t be anymore. 

So sorry to everyone I might let down. 

Sorry to the people I will hurt. 

Sorry to everyone. 

I can’t be this anymore 

I need to let them go. 

Its time. 

Hi

I don’t know why I care to write this. I don’t think I’m doing any good. I am not doing good. I just want to die.

I have tried to kill myself so many times and failed so many times.

I just want my old friends back and my old life back. I want to walk with others as equals. I want to find some one I can love. And do mine who loves despite all my flaws. And my bad past. I just want humans contact again. I miss being hold. I miss talking to people. I miss a lot of things. I miss just things I have no business missing.

I miss I don’t know any more. Nothing helps. No treatments make it better. No medicines help. My brain doesn’t want to get better even tho I do. And I try.

I am still sober for some reason. I haven’t done any drugs. I haven’t drank any alcohol. I am still clean. Maybe that is why I am still miserable.  I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now.

Not deleting 

Yeah I am not deleting anything just because you asked. I put me into these blogs. I put how I feel into these. Because I don’t have any other way to fully vent these crazy things that go on. I talk to a theapist but I stop don’t tell her everything. Because I know where that will put me. And I don’t wanna go there. 

So please stop asking me to remove shit because I am not. So just leave me alone. I am done with it. This is mine. And I don’t care what you say. You can’t stop me from writing on here. 

So Just leave me alone. If you don’t like what I write then don’t read it. 

Done. 

I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am dead. I feel dead. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t function at all. I just want to die. 

Just close my eyes and not wake up anymore. There is no point to being alive when all the life in you feels like it has been sucked out of. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just an empty shell. I got my soul sucked out of me.  That what this feeling is.

I am just empty. An empty vessel that has a beating heart and and functional brain. That is all I ever will be. 

I can’t do this anymore. I tried. I know it doesn’t look like that but I have. 

I have tried so hard. And I have tried to keep going. I am so really to stop being strong. I can’t be strong anymore. This weight is to much. 

I said my sorrys to the people I needed too. And most of them are dead so I guess it didn’t matter.