I start ECT treatments next week and I am scared and nervous. And I also have a growing hope in me that this will help. That maybe I will finally be able to sleep. Finally be normal for a while. I know there is a lot of risk involved. But my theaprist thinks this is what is best. Because nothing else seems to be helpful.
So basically this a last ditch effort so I can lead a normalish life. Never thought it would come to this. But I am willing to try anything. I am tried of living on this brink I can’t get away from.
So yeah that is the only update I have.
Since I got sober and started thearpy, it has been unlocking I guess memories I forgot or just decided not to remember.
Right now they ain’t good and they ain’t bad. Just netural memories. But I scared what else might be lurking in the dark corners of my mind.
I don’t know if I am ready to handle those memories. I don’t know if I am ready to handle any of this anymore. Since these memories have been coming up, my nightmares have been worse. I feel like I am dieing in my dreams. I hear him and her now. And I see memories that have been melted and twisted together. Their voices mixed together. Sounding so wrong. Making the pain so much worse.
I can smell the blood and see it. It is on me, it is on the ground. Sometimes I am in what seems like a sea of blood and I am just adrift on a raft in the middle of it and I hear them calling me from somewhere in the depths.
Sometimes there is just blackness but I can hear their voices calling to me for help. Crying for help. For me to stop them. Then depending on it sometimes I hear a gun shot. Sometimes it the thudding sound of something hitting the ground. Sometimes it is both. And no matter which version there is I still hear the sirens.
And sometimes I see Justin. Not alive Justin but Justin with a hole in his head and sometimes I see Sophia but like before it’s not her. It was I would think she look like from hitting the ground. Sometimes they are both there.
I hate sleeping at this point. I don’t want to.
And no matter what dream happens. I wake up the same. In a cold sweat, breathing heavy and feeling like I want to die. And well this doesn’t happen all the time but sometimes I wake up with a really bad bloody nose.
Hopefully the dreams will stop soon. I hope they will get better the more I discover of these memories.
I feel like self harming. I don’t why. It just a feeling that I can’t shake. I don’t know who to talk to about it. I feel like if talk to one person they don’t want to hear it and talking to someone else would just be a bad idea. They would over react and shit like that. I don’t know. I am trying my best to not do it. Maybe I just will take a nap and hope I wake up feeling better. Maybe I will.
I feel so isolated from other people around me. Whenever I get close to someone and I open up to them. They just leave. I don’t why I am such a toxic person. I can’t seem to keep friends or keep anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am tried of being alone. I am tried of feeling like I don’t like belong. I feel like I don’t know anymore, I feel numb and meh. I feel alone and isolated.
I am just miss having something to hide behind. To bury my feelings. To make me feel normal.
I hate being sober. I hate being drunk and in drugs too. It’s a no win situation.
I can’t even sleep anymore.
Fuck you! Just fuck you. I fucking let you back into my fucking life just you can fucking leave again. And then don’t fucking talk to me for a week then fucking leave a comment saying you will always fucking love me. Yeah fuck you! I do fucking love you. And that never change but you fucking doing that fucking hurts. You just drive the fucking knife in deeper of how much of a fucking fuck up I am. I fucking did try. I never fucking meant to fucking hurt you. I never fucking meant for the things I did to be fucking taken that way. So I am fucking sorry. Ok I will always be fucking sorry. For ruining our friendship. For killing her. For fucking up everything. I know I am a fucking loser and just fucking break everything I fucking touch. I fucking don’t know what else to do. I am just a fuck up and that is all I will fucking be. I can’t fucking fix fucking anything.
I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am dead. I feel dead. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t function at all. I just want to die.
Just close my eyes and not wake up anymore. There is no point to being alive when all the life in you feels like it has been sucked out of. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just an empty shell. I got my soul sucked out of me. That what this feeling is.
I am just empty. An empty vessel that has a beating heart and and functional brain. That is all I ever will be.
I can’t do this anymore. I tried. I know it doesn’t look like that but I have.
I have tried so hard. And I have tried to keep going. I am so really to stop being strong. I can’t be strong anymore. This weight is to much.
I said my sorrys to the people I needed too. And most of them are dead so I guess it didn’t matter.
I am forever that person that will always be seen as the monster by most people. And I hate it. But I can’t change how they feel. And I can’t change their opinions.
I am sorry I was abusive. I never meant to be that way. I never wanted that. I just got clingy. And I have never been good at dealing with bad emotions and people leaving me. I hate when people threaten to leave it. It scares me. It makes me act irrational and panicky. I will always be sorry.
I am not able to be a normal person. I will never be. I am sorry. I don’t know what else to about it. I can’t fix things because when I try to I just break them more. And then just become impossible to fix.
I didn’t mean to be so abusive if I was. I think it was just the head space I was in. I don’t know.
I am done now. I will make sure that I won’t bug you guys anymore. I won’t ruin any happiness with my negative energy.
Yeah that all I have to say.