Ugh

I fell off the wagon. I’m sorry. The voices inside in my head were to loud.

I couldn’t tune them out. Just to much noise. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I always let everyone down. I am a let down.

I don’t deserve to have the people I do in my life.

I hate myself so much for giving in. I hate myself for caving in.

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More secrets. More lies. 

So my friend who has a thing for minors had sex with someone underage I guess and its probably not true but still. 

Her real name is Marie not Sophia. Even tho she only wanted people to call her Sophia.

She has naturally dark hair not blonde. 

He didn’t love me, he just didn’t want me to die. Even tho he did. So I don’t know how well that worked out. 

She wasn’t just addicted to drinking. She also was addicted to pills. 

A friend lied about his death and changed his name to runaway from the past and also to hide it. 

My friend had a really shitty ex who did super bad things that I’m not going to say. 

My mom is a horrible alcoholic who is not really getting better but we aren’t suppose to talk about. And just act like everything is normal. 

Now for my own. Its only fair. 

I didn’t really him. I just wanted someone to be close to me so I lied to him or maybe I did at some point and it just got lost. I don’t know 

I know how she really died but I can’t tell. I guess that is one thing I will take to my grave. 

I can’t feel enjoyment or pleasure because how bad my depression got. It drives me insane.  

Why have these emotions? These uncomfortable ones. The ones that make you feel like you are worth less and stupid. And a horrible person. 

I want to drown them all. But then I would be quiter. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to give up on this. 

But I still want to drown them. I don’t know. I know I wouldn’t. I am a kinda better person now. But still. 

I have some more secerts to let go of and I will write a post later with those. I just need to let them all out. I think its time. I hope it’s time. I know I will get hated for it. But I don’t care. 

I’m tired of being the secret keeper. 

I can’t be anymore. 

So sorry to everyone I might let down. 

Sorry to the people I will hurt. 

Sorry to everyone. 

I can’t be this anymore 

I need to let them go. 

Its time. 

Don’t blame me

I hate meddling people who don’t know or understand the whole story. And just want to be judgy assholes. I never asked for their thoughts. I don’t them.

I did what I did and I have no regret about it.

I’m not a monster. I did nothing wrong. You can prove nothing.

I didn’t make him do it. I didn’t force him into it. He did all on his own. I just gave him permission to do it. I was trying to ease his guilt.

Either way he was going to do it. I don’t know how you couldn’t see how much he was suffering. How much pain he was in. He wanted to go.

I’m sorry you can’t see it that way. And I know you never will

Don’t blame me for what happened. I didn’t do anything.

 

 

 

 

Secrets I have kept but need to let go

These are things I was told by friends and had to keep secret but I need to let them go.

My friend  had an abortion

That my friend likes minors

My friend killed a cat while drunk

My friend lied about their life

My ex boyfriend run away from his family to live with me. I was hiding basically.

I punched one of My friends and knocked out their front teeth and they lied for me.

My friend stole food from gas stations.

Someone I knew used to sell drugs.

My friend secret relationships that only I knew about

Me and my friends out of control underage drinking.

The fake ids

The one night stands to get what we wanted.

The suicidal nights we fought thru

 

 

 

 

Getting things out

How can I miss you? Why I guess is a better question. I am truly happy with my life right now. I love my boyfriend. I love the path I am on. I am honestly in the best place then I have been in years.

But there is still this weird piece of me that’s not whole. That doesn’t feel right. I don’t know if it’s because of you. Or because of everyone I have lost over the years. Maybe it just me coming to terms of what a horrible person I have been to everyone. Whatever the reasoning is. I hate it.

And it scares me. It like a tiny darkness that I can’t get rid of. Its the piece of me I can’t fill in.

Why do I do this to myself? I know things are probably meant to be this way. I think.  Maybe. I am not sure. Fuck for all I know you are dead. Also sidenote I was misspelled dead and it autocorrected to free which for you those two are pretty similar. Especially in your vocab the last couple of times we talked.

Before you stoped. And I cut out. I still am sorry for that. I just don’t know how to function around you anymore. It all got weird. We got all weird.

Our friendship got weird. It got all tangled with things that it shouldn’t have. My feelings were real and I know your feelings were too so I guess in the end that is all that matters.

 

Letting go

I know you read my blog sometimes. And since you won’t talk to me. This is the only way I can get thru to you. 

I tried to be friends.  I wanted to be friend with you again. But I realize I can’t be.  I guess I was always hoping you would grow out of your feelings for me but I don’t think you ever will. 

And right now I have a boyfriend who I love more then anything. And I am trying really hard not to ruin this one. And I am working on getting my life to a good place. 

And I realize I can’t do that being friends with you. You know to much about my past. And I don’t you using that against me. I’m not saying you will but that fear is still there. 

Me and my mom are finally working on things and it makes me so happy we are. 

I finally found a little place in this world where I feel like I belong. I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. 

But like with everything else. I have to let you go. I need to let all of my past go. And it not easy for me to write this because I don’t want to let you go but I know I need to. 

I just hope you don’t blame yourself. Because its not your fault. I just want you to be happy. I want us to be happy and the only way that is going to happen is if I let you go.

I hope you find happiness in your life and I hope you find a great person to be with. And I hope you don’t go back to how you used to be and you stay happy Alex.