I think I found the one. I mean he knows nothing about my past but maybe that is for the best. I am probably won’t ever tell him about this blog I probably won’t ever tell him about my past. Its probably good.
For my sanity I can’t say anything about it. It will scare him off if I did. But is it lying if I don’t? Would I be manipulating our relationship if I didn’t?
I just really don’t want to tell him. He will think I am a monster. And I don’t want someone else to think that. Because I am not a monster.
I just want this to work out. God I want this so bad.
I need to talk to you. It is an important urgent matter. I don’t even know if you read this. You know who you are
Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.
Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.
Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.
I don’t know why I care to write this. I don’t think I’m doing any good. I am not doing good. I just want to die.
I have tried to kill myself so many times and failed so many times.
I just want my old friends back and my old life back. I want to walk with others as equals. I want to find some one I can love. And do mine who loves despite all my flaws. And my bad past. I just want humans contact again. I miss being hold. I miss talking to people. I miss a lot of things. I miss just things I have no business missing.
I miss I don’t know any more. Nothing helps. No treatments make it better. No medicines help. My brain doesn’t want to get better even tho I do. And I try.
I am still sober for some reason. I haven’t done any drugs. I haven’t drank any alcohol. I am still clean. Maybe that is why I am still miserable. I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now.
I am sorry I have just been trying to fix everything again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing is helping. I am ready to give in. I am just not sure anymore. I don’t even want to write on this anymore. I don’t see the point.
I’m sorry. I am just too tired anymore.
I just don’t fucking care any more…..not one little bit…. So fuck you..
I think it just upsets me that he can’t be grateful for what I did. He almost killed himself but I talked him out of it. And I think it is funny how when we were talking one day he would be like omg I love you and wanna have sex with you and then a few days later say shit like you are just like my ex boyfriend and you are just so abusive and shit.
Which isn’t the truth fucking truth. But then after that he would once say how much he wants to have sex. But I am the one with the problems.
After all the stuff that I helped him tho. The last month or so.
So you know what fuck him. I can’t ever make him happy with anything.
I loved him. And I am one of the reason he didn’t slit his neck. And he said after he got he didn’t want to date anyone. But oh my god all of the sudden he has a new boyfriend. Like what the fuck. And it will end terribly like it does and he will be mopey again and be my “friend” again.
I just can’t believe what he says anymore. But its whatever.