Why do I keep writing

I wish I had all the words to express how I feel. But I just don’t.

This horrible lingering I don’t even know what it is anymore. Loneliness but it’s not really that. It’s a weird mixture of depression, anger, regret, worry, and numbness.

There isn’t the right word for it. My emotions are just made so much more intense because of my sleep. Well more the lack of sleep.

But sleeping has always been a struggle for me. Probably will always be a struggle.

And then a rogue message from that person. Well just made me realize other things.

I guess things never change.

Even tho I am with someone else.

I feel kinda bad. A little.

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Weird night

I’m officially have turned into that weird stalker..i mean like i haven’t followed anyone home. It is more of I need to know they are ok. Then actual stalking. I’m sure they don’t even know which is for the better. I need to stop tho.

Tonight has just been weird. Got a weird message. Got a weird feeling. I don’t know. Mix with being tired and not being able to sleep. Might go for a drive. Need to just clear my head.

Venting

I wish I could tell you what I was doing and where I was going but I can’t tell you that. It is all one massive black out. I got into a little fight with my friend or ex friend I guess now… And after that just blank. I am not scared tho. I oddly feel calm and kinda happy. It is a weird feeling tho. Know that you were doing stuff but you don’t know where or what.

I just hope nothing bad happened. And I didn’t do anything I will regret later. I am scared to talk to anyone really about this. I feel like this makes a failure and that is my fault for not beingĀ able to fully deal with everything from the past. And it makes me look like a liar. Like I haven’t even be trying to work on things. And I mean I haven’t been as much I should be. I just don’t want to go back to the hospital.

I just don’t want to lose everything again. But I have a feeling that it is too late..

Bad day

When you are having a bad day and the depression threatens to engulf you. And hits you like running head first into a brick wall. I hate having bad days because it makes me feel more like a failure and then I spiral downward more. 

And then I get angry with everyone one else because I’m so frustrated on the inside. I lose my temper easily. I get sad and wanna cry. I lose all my energy to function.  My mind just shuts down and I can’t think. And then I started debating on whether all this work is doing me any good at all. Or if I’m just finding a new way to hide. 
I feel like screaming and crying. But I’m also scared to lose that control over my emotions since I have no control over my mind right now. I just wanna break something and just let everything that has ever hurt me go. 
This is not where I wanna be today. I was hoping I would never be like this again.