Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.

Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.

Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.




Never forget 

I will never forget you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always. 

I will always love you.  I know I am a fuck up. I know all I did was mess up again and again and again. I can’t fix the past. I can’t fix the future now either. I will never fix anything. 

I will never the fixer of problems. I am the problem maker in most of my realtionships. I can’t stop it from happening. I am so sorry tho.

I wish I could take back all the pain. All the worrying. All the stress. Everything. I want to take it all back. And I can’t. I know I can’t. 

So goodbye Alex. My best friend. The only person who believed in me. I hope you find your happiness Alex. I hope you find whatever it is Alex. I will always be waiting for you. Goodbye. 


How do you explain to normal sane human why you don’t like to talk? It isn’t like I can’t. I just choose to not to. It saves so much trouble.  It is a little stressful to be forced into situations where I have to talk.

I guess it just another I have to work on but it is hard when this just how everyone accepts this version of you and doesn’t ever except you to talk. I guess in a way I have lost a lot of my social skills because of it. I am not sure.

And another thing is I miss certain people. I know I shouldn’t. Because all I ever did to them is lie. And break their heart. Make them stress the fuck out about me. And whether I was safe or not. Or if I had relapse again for the hundredth time. I don’t deserve them. And they don’t deserve to have to deal with the stress of being around me and being a friend to me. I know I created these monsters in my head. And I am the one who kep feeding them.

But I am truly sorry to them about everything I put them thru. God I say that a lot. Now I see why my apologizes don’t mean anything anymore. I am an immature asshole most of the time.Just time doesn’t fix everything and I know the wounds I caused them will never go away. And I am not writing just for them to find and feel bad. I just need to this stuff off of my chest.

I am not a god person and I accept this. Maybe I was a good person once. But I don’t know what happened to that person.


Sorry about her

I just can’t believe my friend would tell my sister well half sister about things that happened between me and my friend who died ( his girlfriend at the time of these things going on). Yes I feel bad about the things I did and the things I said.

But I didn’t push her off that ledge. She knew she could get help. That she could just ignore me. Because I knew she knew that I has jealous and angry. And just very very messed up on drugs and alcohol. 

It wasn’t my fault. And your just using me to try to make sense of why she did it. And so you have someone and something to blame for it. So you don’t have to blame her for it. So you don’t have to deal with that the fact she was being selfish and reckless. And just stupid.

I will always be your scapegoat for happened to her. Because of what I confessed to you.

But we both know I wasn’t the trigger who pushed her towards the final abyss. She just didn’t care anymore. My words probably did hurt. Not denying that at all. But she knew where my head was. And she knew that I didn’t mean anything by it. That wasn’t the first time I said that stuff to her in a drunken state of mind fueled by anger.

I’m sorry you still miss her. I miss her too. We both loved her.   But you can’t save everyone.

Up and down of being together

I love being with him but I know it is bad. I know I shouldn’t be here. But a part of me needs him.

I need to feel close to someone. I need that feeling. I hate being lonely. I hate being alone.

I just can’t live without someone that is mine and only mine. I don’t want to live with people that have each other. When I am alone and don’t have anyone.  It would be awkward and not fun for anyone.  

I know they mean well and they love me. And they care for me.  Just I don’t know what to do. 

I just need time to think and figure it out. Just not sure where to go.

Dear Sophia

Dear Sophia,

  I understand now the strength you had to do what you did. I can only image the thoughts that were running thru your head. The fear inside you that was knotting your stomach. The sound of your pounding heart. The rush of adrenaline going thru your system. But none of that stopped you from jumping.

  I was angry at first with all the lies I found out. Now I see, you did to protect yourself from a world you couldn’t control. Inside your head things weren’t ok but you just keep the smile on. You just kept marching on like you were never hurt. Never in pain. You acted like you were alright and always had a smile on your face. That is what I will remember the most. Your smile.

I know you always struggled the most with your addiction. And your eating disorders. But you always fought with everything. But you made sure that was a private fight. You hated letting people in that was your biggest weakness. I wish you could of let us in. Shared with us about your struggle. Had bad it has gotten. I know you missed your parents even tho you acted like it did not bug you. I know losing your brother was a rough thing on you. But you had all of us to help. And you didn’t want it.

You always had a way to make us laugh when we down on our luck. You always were the smart one. Always had the answers. Knew all the right questions to ask. Learned how to take of other people before you took of yourself. Maybe that is why you did it. You didn’t have any more energy to take care of yourself..

You always taking care of someone or something. You were busy solving problems that had no answers. But always made up one. I loved you like a sister. You were my closet friend. And my oldest friend. We knew each other since we were 5.

I apologize for the mean words that I can never take back. And sorry for all the fights we got into. Sorry for all the time we lost. I also should apologize for stealing your last candy bar. That was a fun night.

I will always remember the fun times. The bad times. And everything in between. In my darkest time, I always knew you were there. Sometimes my only beacon. My little lighthouse of safety.

I just wanted to say thank you too. You were always there. Even lied to your boyfriend to talk to me. You were always a truly great person. And I wish I had more time to spend with. I wish you could see where I am now. And all the things I am doing with my life.

I will always love you. Your my angel and I know you will always be watching over me. And maybe one day we will might again.


New hope 

I finally found the happiness I needed in my life. I found it by weeding out the negative people in my life and replacing them with positive people and people that will support me. And I started going to therapy and doing meeting for my addictions. And I’m also working on my relationships with my mom and dad. My dad will not accept me as me but my mom is trying to accept and learn about my life.  I confessed everything to her. 
That was the hardest I ever did. But that proved me how much she loves me. And how she cares for me.  I was so wrong about her for so long. And her saying she was sorry was the greatest thing I ever heard. 
I feel happy again. I feel like I’m becoming whole again. Like there isn’t two of me anymore. And I want just want to say thank you to everyone.