Why do I keep writing

I wish I had all the words to express how I feel. But I just don’t.

This horrible lingering I don’t even know what it is anymore. Loneliness but it’s not really that. It’s a weird mixture of depression, anger, regret, worry, and numbness.

There isn’t the right word for it. My emotions are just made so much more intense because of my sleep. Well more the lack of sleep.

But sleeping has always been a struggle for me. Probably will always be a struggle.

And then a rogue message from that person. Well just made me realize other things.

I guess things never change.

Even tho I am with someone else.

I feel kinda bad. A little.

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Weird night

I’m officially have turned into that weird stalker..i mean like i haven’t followed anyone home. It is more of I need to know they are ok. Then actual stalking. I’m sure they don’t even know which is for the better. I need to stop tho.

Tonight has just been weird. Got a weird message. Got a weird feeling. I don’t know. Mix with being tired and not being able to sleep. Might go for a drive. Need to just clear my head.

Why have these emotions? These uncomfortable ones. The ones that make you feel like you are worth less and stupid. And a horrible person. 

I want to drown them all. But then I would be quiter. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to give up on this. 

But I still want to drown them. I don’t know. I know I wouldn’t. I am a kinda better person now. But still. 

I have some more secerts to let go of and I will write a post later with those. I just need to let them all out. I think its time. I hope it’s time. I know I will get hated for it. But I don’t care. 

I’m tired of being the secret keeper. 

I can’t be anymore. 

So sorry to everyone I might let down. 

Sorry to the people I will hurt. 

Sorry to everyone. 

I can’t be this anymore 

I need to let them go. 

Its time. 

Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.

Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.

Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.

 

 

Never forget 

I will never forget you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always. 

I will always love you.  I know I am a fuck up. I know all I did was mess up again and again and again. I can’t fix the past. I can’t fix the future now either. I will never fix anything. 

I will never the fixer of problems. I am the problem maker in most of my realtionships. I can’t stop it from happening. I am so sorry tho.

I wish I could take back all the pain. All the worrying. All the stress. Everything. I want to take it all back. And I can’t. I know I can’t. 

So goodbye Alex. My best friend. The only person who believed in me. I hope you find your happiness Alex. I hope you find whatever it is Alex. I will always be waiting for you. Goodbye. 

Stessed

How do you explain to normal sane human why you don’t like to talk? It isn’t like I can’t. I just choose to not to. It saves so much trouble.  It is a little stressful to be forced into situations where I have to talk.

I guess it just another I have to work on but it is hard when this just how everyone accepts this version of you and doesn’t ever except you to talk. I guess in a way I have lost a lot of my social skills because of it. I am not sure.

And another thing is I miss certain people. I know I shouldn’t. Because all I ever did to them is lie. And break their heart. Make them stress the fuck out about me. And whether I was safe or not. Or if I had relapse again for the hundredth time. I don’t deserve them. And they don’t deserve to have to deal with the stress of being around me and being a friend to me. I know I created these monsters in my head. And I am the one who kep feeding them.

But I am truly sorry to them about everything I put them thru. God I say that a lot. Now I see why my apologizes don’t mean anything anymore. I am an immature asshole most of the time.Just time doesn’t fix everything and I know the wounds I caused them will never go away. And I am not writing just for them to find and feel bad. I just need to this stuff off of my chest.

I am not a god person and I accept this. Maybe I was a good person once. But I don’t know what happened to that person.

 

Sorry about her

I just can’t believe my friend would tell my sister well half sister about things that happened between me and my friend who died ( his girlfriend at the time of these things going on). Yes I feel bad about the things I did and the things I said.

But I didn’t push her off that ledge. She knew she could get help. That she could just ignore me. Because I knew she knew that I has jealous and angry. And just very very messed up on drugs and alcohol. 

It wasn’t my fault. And your just using me to try to make sense of why she did it. And so you have someone and something to blame for it. So you don’t have to blame her for it. So you don’t have to deal with that the fact she was being selfish and reckless. And just stupid.

I will always be your scapegoat for happened to her. Because of what I confessed to you.

But we both know I wasn’t the trigger who pushed her towards the final abyss. She just didn’t care anymore. My words probably did hurt. Not denying that at all. But she knew where my head was. And she knew that I didn’t mean anything by it. That wasn’t the first time I said that stuff to her in a drunken state of mind fueled by anger.

I’m sorry you still miss her. I miss her too. We both loved her.   But you can’t save everyone.