I feel like I’m over worrying about people. I don’t know why I am so attached to them but I am.
And then my mom got really sick and of course the other half that helped make me was there. And I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. Mostly because I’m not what he wanted me to be and I’m not who he wanted as a child. In his eyes I am a failure. I am nothing.
And I just have to remember that his thoughts don’t have to affect me. His words of hate don’t have to affect me. I can chose to ignore his hate. I can chose how it will impact my life. Those are not his choices but mine.
I just am really tired lately from worry and just stress. And it being winter doesn’t help.
I took a nap today which is kind of weird for me to do. I try not to take naps during the day just because I have a hard time sleeping at night sometimes. Well ok all the time. I had the worst nightmare I could ever have. And I’m not sure what triggered it. But I had a dream were my ex/ working on friendship friend shot himself. It was the worse possible thing I haved dreamed in a while.
But on the other side, I did have a good day. My new found best girl friend. Not dating, just really good friends dragged me to church with her. And I actually loved it. The people that were there; were just the sweetest and open mimded people I have ever met. So I will go again with her next week. And also finding her as a friend was a blessing.
I also got my first real job I guess. Its nothing exciting. But its a way to make money and hopefully get out of where I am living. But I am living in a better place other then my kind of still my abusive boyfriends place into a place where I am just renting a room but it is nice here.
And he is only kind of still my boyfriend because he is over seas and I haven’t had time to break up with him yet. But I will.
Oh and I get to met my friend/ex next week on Tuesday! I’m excited but super nervous. I hope he does like me in person.
I think I’m going to break for awhile. Not from this. But from my life. I have a lot of stuff to figure out. I need to figure out who I am so I can learn to start helping myself. I feel like therapy had helped me. And writing on this blog has helped. But I was just reading thru it. And just I realize that I really don’t know who I am without these illnesses. That is a scary thought.
The fact I have been living with them for so long that I lost myself. I just think it time for me to get away for things for awhile. Go soul searching I guess. Try to figure me out.
I have been lost for so long and I think it is time to go find me. I’m not sure yet where I’m going to go. I just book a random flight to somewhere. I don’t know yet. But I want this to be an adventure. I want to learn about myself and learn new things. And met new friends and people. So this might be my last post for a while. But I will update when things happen.