Family

I have never been as happy as I am now. Me and my mom have finally started making a relationship. A good relationship. She has been supportive about all that is going on. And I am also respecting that it is going to take a while for her to get use to me being a female now.  But I am happy she is trying. I also meet her new boyfriend. Who is a super sweet guy. And I am happy that she is finally happy. 

I hope so ready to see where our relationship is going in the future. I see nothing but positivity ahead for us. 

So once again thank you mom. I am happy you are trying to be a positive force in my life. And that we are trying to fix our broken relationship. So thank you and I love you. 

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Letter to Sophia

Sophia, 

Where do I start? Do I start at the beginning or at the end? I honestly wish you never stepped off that ledge.  I wish I was a better friend and I was there for you when you really needed it. I wish we didn’t fight. I wish I could take back everything I did. I wish I did just leave you two alone because maybe you two would be happy together.  But it to late for that. 

You were my oldest and most dearest friend. We did everything together for a long time. We were glued together.  And with that said, we also started our downward spiral together.  We hit that bottom not at the same time but close to it 

I remember the first time we ever got drunk together and you fell down the basement stairs and bust your lip open.  I remember us skipping out on school to go smoke. 

I remember getting expelled from school for you. I got into so many fights when those bullies would pick on you. No one could hurt my Sophia. 

But I did hurt you. And I am sorry for hurting you.  Even before that last time. 

I remember when our lives got in tangled. That time on the playground when I pushed you in a mud puddle and the next day you punched me. That was the start of our friendship. 

I miss you so much and I regret my last words to you. I will regret for the rest of my life. 

I wish our friendship wasn’t so destructive. I wish our friendship was so much better then what it was.   I wish I could just lie and stay we had the perfect friendship but we didn’t. 

I remember most of our time together. The bad memories and the good memories even tho I wish I had more good memories to remember. I just remember more bad because we were so destructive together. Together, me and you were just each other’s toxic to fill each other up. 

I love you Sophia. And as much as I wishh, I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future. And sadly that is without you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you again. I am sorry I failed you one last time. And this time there is no fixing it.

I am sorry. 

Goodbye Sophia. I hope you finally found some kind of peace and happiness. I hope whatever was deeply troubling is better now. I hope you are with your parents again. 

Reason to fight

I think I finally found a real reason to keep fighting. I am once really truly happy with the person, I am going out with. I want to keep fighting against all of the bad in my head so I can be happy with him.  He has become my reason to fight. To do everything in my power to keep going on my path of recovery. And just try to make us work. And make a strong relationship.  

I know I have a good thing with him. And he is my reason to keep fighting. 

Trust 

I feel like no one will ever trust me. The person I with even has a hard time trusting me. Which is just great when you are in relationship with them. And when your family doesn’t know if they can trust you. It hurts. And I hate it. 

I hate myself for ruining it so bad that they don’t trust me anymore. 

I feel like I am losing a uphill battle.  I keep trying to find things to keep me track.  And keep me busy; so my mind doesn’t wander into the bad thoughts. It is a never ending cycle. 

And I know my sister doesn’t trust because I opened up to her about some really horrible things I did in the past. And I wish I didn’t. I really do. I think I ruined our relationship a little bit. She probably thinks I am way worse person. 

I’m just sorry that no one can trust me. And I wish someone would. 

No title just writing

I am not okay.  I don’t know how to be ok. I don’t know how to do normal human things without messing it up. I can’t be a normal human. I will always be the messed up. The one who people have to blame for whatever ia wrong in their life.

I messed up and I know I do. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. But I didn’t. I can’t force oit memories that dont exist. I just can’t. I mean I make up some excuse but they would be lies. And I’m trying not to lie. And I know I am failing hard at that. I wanted that perfect life at one point in my life. But I never have it.

Happiness is just something I can’t achieve. I try for it but it fails. Its like my mind knows what it is, what it looks like but my mind doesn’t understand how to get there. Doesn’t understand the real feeling of happiness. And when I am happy, it doesn’t understand what it is. I am tired tho of the fake smiles and the empty laughter that has no meaning.

I am so tired of pretending that I am getting better when I know I am not. And its not from lack of trying. I have been. My inner demons are just to much. I am not even sure I know who Joey is anymore. Or who that person was.

I just feel confused and on the edge lately. My head is always pounding. My mind is racing all the time. My chest hurts because of all the stuff racing thru my head. And all the bad dreams I have at night. The bad dreams of people I care for dieing and me not being able to do anything.

Can’t eat. Makes the panic worse. Makes my anxiety raise. I don’t know why that is. I feel like I am dieing and just might be.

I don’t know anymore. I just want to be alone and just be able to think with the thoughts crashed into each other like a high speed car accident. Getting all mixed up and the words being all in the wrong places.

This is just how I am feeling right now. I guess. I am noy sure.

Somewhere in the middle

Even tho things feel like they are getting better; they feel like they are getting worse. It hard to tell what I feel right now. Like I’m not sure if I’m happy or just numb. Or if I sad.

It this problem telling the difference between this feelings that is making me so hard on the outside. And I feel bad because I want this relationship to work out. I want us to feel happy together and stuff.

I just don’t know what I am going to do right now. Because now I feel like I rushed into this. And I’m going to ruin it because I can tell the difference between my feelings that are in my head from the ones in my heart.

It so confusing.