Family

I have never been as happy as I am now. Me and my mom have finally started making a relationship. A good relationship. She has been supportive about all that is going on. And I am also respecting that it is going to take a while for her to get use to me being a female now.  But I am happy she is trying. I also meet her new boyfriend. Who is a super sweet guy. And I am happy that she is finally happy. 

I hope so ready to see where our relationship is going in the future. I see nothing but positivity ahead for us. 

So once again thank you mom. I am happy you are trying to be a positive force in my life. And that we are trying to fix our broken relationship. So thank you and I love you. 

Letter to Sophia

Sophia, 

Where do I start? Do I start at the beginning or at the end? I honestly wish you never stepped off that ledge.  I wish I was a better friend and I was there for you when you really needed it. I wish we didn’t fight. I wish I could take back everything I did. I wish I did just leave you two alone because maybe you two would be happy together.  But it to late for that. 

You were my oldest and most dearest friend. We did everything together for a long time. We were glued together.  And with that said, we also started our downward spiral together.  We hit that bottom not at the same time but close to it 

I remember the first time we ever got drunk together and you fell down the basement stairs and bust your lip open.  I remember us skipping out on school to go smoke. 

I remember getting expelled from school for you. I got into so many fights when those bullies would pick on you. No one could hurt my Sophia. 

But I did hurt you. And I am sorry for hurting you.  Even before that last time. 

I remember when our lives got in tangled. That time on the playground when I pushed you in a mud puddle and the next day you punched me. That was the start of our friendship. 

I miss you so much and I regret my last words to you. I will regret for the rest of my life. 

I wish our friendship wasn’t so destructive. I wish our friendship was so much better then what it was.   I wish I could just lie and stay we had the perfect friendship but we didn’t. 

I remember most of our time together. The bad memories and the good memories even tho I wish I had more good memories to remember. I just remember more bad because we were so destructive together. Together, me and you were just each other’s toxic to fill each other up. 

I love you Sophia. And as much as I wishh, I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future. And sadly that is without you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you again. I am sorry I failed you one last time. And this time there is no fixing it.

I am sorry. 

Goodbye Sophia. I hope you finally found some kind of peace and happiness. I hope whatever was deeply troubling is better now. I hope you are with your parents again. 

Letter to Alex

Alex, 

I don’t think I could fit everything I want into a letter…well I guess a blog post. That you will may never read. But I don’t care about that. There things I need to get off my chest. Things I couldn’t say sooner. And things I should have said sooner. 

When we met I tried not to fall in love with you. I know where I was in my life. I was so mess up at the time. But I couldn’t stop myself from liking you so much.  I did keep secrets from you at that time because I didn’t want you to see the darker side of my life. The horrible monster Joey really was. I wanted to show you how I was when I was doing ok. Maybe if I was honest with you right away, you might have just left and our lives would have different. 

But even after you found out about the bad, you stayed because I gave you a false hope at least at that time. I was not ready at that time. I was still trying to deal with a lot of my own stuff. But you feel in with a Joey that didn’t really exist. I created that version of me for you. I put on that fake face for you. 

I needed a friend. And I used you. I hate that I used you as a clutch. I used you so I wouldn’t lose the last nice human contact I had. And then I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me. And I didn’t want that. Because I knew that would mean I would have to open up to you. Let you into my fucked up world. I didn’t want you to see that world. But you did anyways. 

I hurt you in ways I can never be sorry for.  In ways I can never forgive myself for. I never wanted to make your life worse. I didn’t want you to worry about me. To stress about my well being. And so then I just pushed you away harder. I tried to lock the door and keep you out. 

And then life gave us another horrible blow and we lost the one woman who was trying to keep us together. We lost our Sophia. I wish I could have been a better friend at that time. I wish I could take back all the fighting I caused. I know I was at least a part of why she did it. I’m sorry I made you go thru that lose. I am sorry you lost the one person you truly love.  I am sorry you lost her. I am sorry for sending her that message and I am sorry for just everything about that time period. Even tho there are parts I don’t remember. And probably will never remember. 

I know I never opened up to you about my feelings. Till they got to be to much and I couldn’t keep them. And I got angry at you even you just wanted to help. That you just wanted to listen. I had to much of an ego to let you in. I felt like I could handle all of this on my own. And I couldn’t and you tried to show me that. And I didn’t want to listen to you. 

You pushed me to start to get better. You pushed to realize that if I kept doing these things I would lose everything. Even tho I have fallen off the wagon a few times. 

I truly am now after getting into trouble that I am trying to get better now.

So I must say thank you. And I have to thank you for trying to make me a better person. And thank for being a friend as long as you were. 

Goodbye Alex.

 I will always be here waiting.  And you will always have a special place in my heart. You will always be on my mind

And the last thing is I hope you find your happiness. And whatever else you need to do to find someone who is right for you. 

I love you Alex. Thanks for the long the talks and for being a friend when I needed it.  

Diagnosis

I started therapy with a new therapist. He seems like an asshole. Or maybe he is that to me. I don’t know.

But he diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Doesn’t surprise me. Especially since I have been diagnosed with bulimia with anorexia tendencies.

From what I read about, that those seem to go hand in hand.

He also changed some things. Like now I have really bad social anxiety. And that I don’t like to talk because I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from an abusive relationship. And that I have mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And I have depression.

Which I could have told all of that. But now I am not sure what to think.

Stessed

How do you explain to normal sane human why you don’t like to talk? It isn’t like I can’t. I just choose to not to. It saves so much trouble.  It is a little stressful to be forced into situations where I have to talk.

I guess it just another I have to work on but it is hard when this just how everyone accepts this version of you and doesn’t ever except you to talk. I guess in a way I have lost a lot of my social skills because of it. I am not sure.

And another thing is I miss certain people. I know I shouldn’t. Because all I ever did to them is lie. And break their heart. Make them stress the fuck out about me. And whether I was safe or not. Or if I had relapse again for the hundredth time. I don’t deserve them. And they don’t deserve to have to deal with the stress of being around me and being a friend to me. I know I created these monsters in my head. And I am the one who kep feeding them.

But I am truly sorry to them about everything I put them thru. God I say that a lot. Now I see why my apologizes don’t mean anything anymore. I am an immature asshole most of the time.Just time doesn’t fix everything and I know the wounds I caused them will never go away. And I am not writing just for them to find and feel bad. I just need to this stuff off of my chest.

I am not a god person and I accept this. Maybe I was a good person once. But I don’t know what happened to that person.

 

Reason to fight

I think I finally found a real reason to keep fighting. I am once really truly happy with the person, I am going out with. I want to keep fighting against all of the bad in my head so I can be happy with him.  He has become my reason to fight. To do everything in my power to keep going on my path of recovery. And just try to make us work. And make a strong relationship.  

I know I have a good thing with him. And he is my reason to keep fighting. 

Trust 

I feel like no one will ever trust me. The person I with even has a hard time trusting me. Which is just great when you are in relationship with them. And when your family doesn’t know if they can trust you. It hurts. And I hate it. 

I hate myself for ruining it so bad that they don’t trust me anymore. 

I feel like I am losing a uphill battle.  I keep trying to find things to keep me track.  And keep me busy; so my mind doesn’t wander into the bad thoughts. It is a never ending cycle. 

And I know my sister doesn’t trust because I opened up to her about some really horrible things I did in the past. And I wish I didn’t. I really do. I think I ruined our relationship a little bit. She probably thinks I am way worse person. 

I’m just sorry that no one can trust me. And I wish someone would.