It is amazing what having support from people you care and love can do. The road forward isn’t going to the smoothest road ever. But I am happy for my boyfriend and all of my friends. 

I have learned self acceptance can be the best thing in the world. I finally feel like my life has meaning. Like I am not living a lie anymore. I feel happy for one. A real happy. 

I am happy I can be me finally. I don’t need to keep this secret anymore. I am finally learning to love myself.  

I decided on Karter. I love that name. No clue why but when I say it; it feels like it should have always been my name. It makes smile. 

I can’t wait for this journey to begin. 

Sides of myself

There are 2 different sides of myself. There is Joey and then there is Abby. And I don’t have spilt personalities. I remember everything I do when I am Abby. So it is not.  

Abby is just an part of myself. She the part of me that wants to be girly and feminine and then Joey is just the other side of me.  But Joey isn’t Abby and Abby isn’t Joey. If that makes sense. 

I just can’t be fully transgender. It just doesn’t feel right. But this does. 

Abby has just become another part of me. She is my half that I have needed for so long. She is my freedom from the feelings I have felt for so long. 

But I know a lot of people won’t understand. And I am ok with that. I don’t care what peoples thoughts are. This is just who I am. 

Bad dreams and shitty self esteem

I am at that point where I am having drug dreams. Like I see the drugs. I can smell them. I want them. I crave them. My subconscious wants it. 

So I binge all the food I am not suppose to have to fill that need. That urge. I need something to fill it. Anything.

I also should saw it is not just the drugs in the dreams. There is also alcohol. The best of the best. Every thing. I have a problem. A horrible disgusting problem.

So I fill it with all the food I can’t have because of a medical problem. That was as funny as it seems was caused by my bulimia.  I am not sure anymore.

I am trying. I am trying to fight the addictions. Fighting the demons. Fighting my mental illness.

I am trying to hold on. Be strong. Do the right things. To try to fix all the wrong. Try to straighten this path I was on.

I know I am in shitty place. I am working on the self esteem. I am trying to fix it from the bottom to the top. I am trying to pick myself.  Pick up my self esteem up from the ground.

Prove to myself I am worth being alive. Prove to everyone I am trying.