Ugh

I fell off the wagon. I’m sorry. The voices inside in my head were to loud.

I couldn’t tune them out. Just to much noise. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I always let everyone down. I am a let down.

I don’t deserve to have the people I do in my life.

I hate myself so much for giving in. I hate myself for caving in.

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More secrets. More lies. 

So my friend who has a thing for minors had sex with someone underage I guess and its probably not true but still. 

Her real name is Marie not Sophia. Even tho she only wanted people to call her Sophia.

She has naturally dark hair not blonde. 

He didn’t love me, he just didn’t want me to die. Even tho he did. So I don’t know how well that worked out. 

She wasn’t just addicted to drinking. She also was addicted to pills. 

A friend lied about his death and changed his name to runaway from the past and also to hide it. 

My friend had a really shitty ex who did super bad things that I’m not going to say. 

My mom is a horrible alcoholic who is not really getting better but we aren’t suppose to talk about. And just act like everything is normal. 

Now for my own. Its only fair. 

I didn’t really him. I just wanted someone to be close to me so I lied to him or maybe I did at some point and it just got lost. I don’t know 

I know how she really died but I can’t tell. I guess that is one thing I will take to my grave. 

I can’t feel enjoyment or pleasure because how bad my depression got. It drives me insane.  

Letter to Sophia

Sophia, 

Where do I start? Do I start at the beginning or at the end? I honestly wish you never stepped off that ledge.  I wish I was a better friend and I was there for you when you really needed it. I wish we didn’t fight. I wish I could take back everything I did. I wish I did just leave you two alone because maybe you two would be happy together.  But it to late for that. 

You were my oldest and most dearest friend. We did everything together for a long time. We were glued together.  And with that said, we also started our downward spiral together.  We hit that bottom not at the same time but close to it 

I remember the first time we ever got drunk together and you fell down the basement stairs and bust your lip open.  I remember us skipping out on school to go smoke. 

I remember getting expelled from school for you. I got into so many fights when those bullies would pick on you. No one could hurt my Sophia. 

But I did hurt you. And I am sorry for hurting you.  Even before that last time. 

I remember when our lives got in tangled. That time on the playground when I pushed you in a mud puddle and the next day you punched me. That was the start of our friendship. 

I miss you so much and I regret my last words to you. I will regret for the rest of my life. 

I wish our friendship wasn’t so destructive. I wish our friendship was so much better then what it was.   I wish I could just lie and stay we had the perfect friendship but we didn’t. 

I remember most of our time together. The bad memories and the good memories even tho I wish I had more good memories to remember. I just remember more bad because we were so destructive together. Together, me and you were just each other’s toxic to fill each other up. 

I love you Sophia. And as much as I wishh, I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future. And sadly that is without you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you again. I am sorry I failed you one last time. And this time there is no fixing it.

I am sorry. 

Goodbye Sophia. I hope you finally found some kind of peace and happiness. I hope whatever was deeply troubling is better now. I hope you are with your parents again. 

Never forget 

I will never forget you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always. 

I will always love you.  I know I am a fuck up. I know all I did was mess up again and again and again. I can’t fix the past. I can’t fix the future now either. I will never fix anything. 

I will never the fixer of problems. I am the problem maker in most of my realtionships. I can’t stop it from happening. I am so sorry tho.

I wish I could take back all the pain. All the worrying. All the stress. Everything. I want to take it all back. And I can’t. I know I can’t. 

So goodbye Alex. My best friend. The only person who believed in me. I hope you find your happiness Alex. I hope you find whatever it is Alex. I will always be waiting for you. Goodbye. 

It doesn’t end

I’m sorry I can not keep up this facade that I am ok. Even at my happiest, I feel like I’m drowning. But I keep this happy face on for you. For everything. I want to feel it. I want it to be real. I am feel like I’m faking it till I make it. But I feel like I am never going to make. 

It just never ends. Just constantly feel like I am drowning. Like I should just let it all go. Give into the darkness. Just close my eyes and fall into a gentle sleep. 

I never thought it would ever come to this. This is why I don’t want you to see me because you would how much I was lying to you. 

No matter how hard I try. The memories are too much. It seems everything triggers some horrible memory. I am sorry. 

I love you.   I know what to do. 

To..

My feelings for you. How do I start explaining that. 

My life was a mess before I met you and it was still a mess after but it was a slightly more manageable mess.  And I guess why out of people you chose me to talk to. Because there was way better people to talk too. 

But I knew right away with you things were different. I felt like you were someone who I could talk to about everything and anything. And then I started falling for you. 

I know you still think sometimes that my love you for just a clutch for me. And in the bad time it was. Because it was normally the only thing I had to cling onto to keep me from doing it. And that why I always tried to push you and make you hate me so much. And then I ruined it. I ruined our relationship because I let my anger and my jealously get the best of me. 

I will never not be sorry for the things I did and said.  You were the first person I actually felt ashamed and guilty about hurting. But I just couldn’t stop it. 

I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I am really not. 
I hated lieing to you and it hurt every time I did. And I hated myself for it. And I took out on you and well really everyone. 
But no matter what I did you still tried to see the best in me. You still stayed by me in some super bad times. Until that this I pushed you away to much and you left. And I am not mad about it now. I understand now why you did it. And I know it weird but thank you for that. You in a way showed me that what I was doing was not ok and your really the only person that ever did that. 

And now that I am in a better place, I realize how much I truly appreciate the things you did for me even they may not seem that big to you. They are to me. And also how much I truly love you.