Sorry. I haven’t been writing a lot for awhile. I have had some changes in my life. Some good. Some bad. But I guess that is how life goes.
But I am trying to be ok with the negative stuff. And not let control me as much. If tho it is hard to do because of my anxiety and depression. But I am trying.
Even tho I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. But every one says I am. I just don’t feel it.
I still can’t see what other people see in me. Why people see so much good in me. I don’t see it at all.
Fuck everyone that I ever thought was my friend. I don’t fucking care anymore. I done playing games with you. So fuck you.
Just fuck everyone. I am already shut in and thanks to you now it just going to be worse. Because you were my only reason to really go out and whatever. I don’t care.
Just fuck everyone. Just whatever. I can’t take anymore rejection and pain. I am done being hurt by everyone.
I feel like no one trust me. I feel just awful because I just want my half sister to come see. But they don’t trust me because I don’t want to meet at my place. Which I have my reasons for that. I have pretty good reasons why.
And I also just hate being in the house to long. Feels so closed in. And empty.
But on the bright side got me some new heels today. I guess shopping is sometimes is the best therapy.
But I just am still heart broken about them, not trusting me. I am trying to prove them that I changed. But I can’t when they don’t give me the chance.
I’m trying really hard to not post on this all the time but I have something to get off my chest.
Even with all the therapy I’m going thru right now, I still can’t find that little spark of hope. And I still really can’t figure who I am. And even tho I push myself probably harder then I should, I’m still struggling. All I can do is go to work and therapy because I’m so exhausted from both of them. But I will just try harder and hope it will be ok.
I just need to remember that bad things will pass too. And eventually the light will shine into the darkness and show you the way to a better tomorrow.
I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above the water and I’m trying so hard to trend the water.
I have tried to talk to friends about this but they don’t seem to get it. They think I’m just crazy. I feel like I am going crazy. I’m losing my mind.
All these thoughts tumbling over one other like some crazy washing machine. Getting tangled together and becoming all knotted up. I feel like I’m choking on these thoughts.