To..

My feelings for you. How do I start explaining that. 

My life was a mess before I met you and it was still a mess after but it was a slightly more manageable mess.  And I guess why out of people you chose me to talk to. Because there was way better people to talk too. 

But I knew right away with you things were different. I felt like you were someone who I could talk to about everything and anything. And then I started falling for you. 

I know you still think sometimes that my love you for just a clutch for me. And in the bad time it was. Because it was normally the only thing I had to cling onto to keep me from doing it. And that why I always tried to push you and make you hate me so much. And then I ruined it. I ruined our relationship because I let my anger and my jealously get the best of me. 

I will never not be sorry for the things I did and said.  You were the first person I actually felt ashamed and guilty about hurting. But I just couldn’t stop it. 

I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I am really not. 
I hated lieing to you and it hurt every time I did. And I hated myself for it. And I took out on you and well really everyone. 
But no matter what I did you still tried to see the best in me. You still stayed by me in some super bad times. Until that this I pushed you away to much and you left. And I am not mad about it now. I understand now why you did it. And I know it weird but thank you for that. You in a way showed me that what I was doing was not ok and your really the only person that ever did that. 

And now that I am in a better place, I realize how much I truly appreciate the things you did for me even they may not seem that big to you. They are to me. And also how much I truly love you. 

Talking

I am having a hard time with talking to my friends about well almost anything.  I feel like if I do; they won’t like it and I just end up getting lectured or yelled or maybe both.  

I do love them tho. It is just so hard to talk to them about stuff. I feel like I have failed them so many times before. 

And just feel bad talking to them about my things going on because I know they have a lot on their plates too. And I don’t what to seem like I am using them as a clutch. 

It is such a stuggle right now. And I wish it wasn’t. I just wish I could feel like I could talk to them. But I just can’t. 

Fixing life

I have no idea what to write about. After I got out, I just been trying to fix everything. I am trying to make my lifr stable. And if that plan is working, I am not sure. 

I go to therapy now. And I am now ln lithium to stabilize my moods. They say I have borderline personality disorder or BPD and post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. 

Its hard to grasp that I guess I am way more messed up then I thought. I have been trying to make better decisions. 

I haven’t drunk any alcohol since I got out. And there has been no drugs. I still smoke my cigarettes tho. It is my last bad habit I guess. 

I have tried to weed out all of my bad influences and that hasn’t been easy. Nothing about this is easy tho. Trying to put back together a broken life.  Especially when there are people who will hold your past against you. 

I still am sorry about my behavior. And I don’t know anymore. Now without those clutches of drugs and alcohol. I feel more alone. 

But that’s all I have right now.