Escape

With my depression getting so bad, I decided to take a trip. I got a ticket and went to Colorado. I just need the fresh air and to see some nature. Clear my head. Get away from my relationships and give myself some space to think.

I hate leaving them like that but it was for the best in the long run. I needed this escape before I started ECT.  I need to regroup myself.

So I hope this helps. I might have to find a way to calm the chaos. And learn to breathe and find my center.

But I’m happy the people at home are not mad at me and still want to support me.

Changing gears

After a years of going thru different therapies and medicine and nothing working. My therapist has decided to talk to me about electroconvulsive therapy or ECT. And I’m really thinking about trying it. 

If this could be my one hope to finally be happy and not have to live with my depression everyday. I know it only has a 50\50 shot of working. But that is better then my odds right now.

I understand the possible side effects. But I also understand this could be a good chance of getting better.  And if this doesn’t work. Then I really only have one more choice. And I’m sure you can figure out what that is. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t want to have to explain it. But I guess we will know soon enough if this will work or not.

Questions

What do when you feel like the world is coming down around? When you are to use to the pain that you can not cry anymore? When the numbness is to much? When the people around you mean nothing to you? When life seems to be moving on ,what do you do?  Where do you hide from the voices in your head? And the heavy feelings in your heart?

Where do you do to quiet the chaos? Sit in the rain? Or the shower?  Do you scream into your pillow until your voice is raw?  Do you cry yourself to sleep at night?

Do you wish someone would notice you? Notice the pain? And hug you tight and tell you everything will be ok? Can you feel love with the pain you are in? Can you feel anything?

Does your depression feel like a noose around your neck that is slowly killing you when you fight for life? Do you wish you had a place to hide from the world?

Bad day

When you are having a bad day and the depression threatens to engulf you. And hits you like running head first into a brick wall. I hate having bad days because it makes me feel more like a failure and then I spiral downward more. 

And then I get angry with everyone one else because I’m so frustrated on the inside. I lose my temper easily. I get sad and wanna cry. I lose all my energy to function.  My mind just shuts down and I can’t think. And then I started debating on whether all this work is doing me any good at all. Or if I’m just finding a new way to hide. 
I feel like screaming and crying. But I’m also scared to lose that control over my emotions since I have no control over my mind right now. I just wanna break something and just let everything that has ever hurt me go. 
This is not where I wanna be today. I was hoping I would never be like this again. 

Top 5 things to not say to someone who is depressed

1. Just get over it

  The reason you shouldn’t say that is because it way more then just choosing to be sad. It is an imbalance in our brains. If we could stop it, we would. 

2. You are being ungrateful 

  The reason why this should neve be said is because we understand we have good things in our lives, we just don’t see them right away. And it also makes us feel worse.

3. You just need to pray more or have more faith in God

  The reason is that we are praying and we are looking for the answers just like everyone else. We just have to seek out stuff on our own sometimes. 

4. In just all in your head.

 The reason is tat we know this already . We know it’s in our brains and we know that is a chemical thing but hearing someone else say in a mean way hurts because we want it to stop.

5. Your are just being lazy.

 The reason you shouldn’t say this because we are not being lazy. Depression effects everything including our energy levels and how and what we focus on that day. We are not being lazy. 

Backstory

I have always rushed into relationships for one reason or the another. The good and the horrible ones. I always just feel like I need love and some what attention from people to make me feel like I’m normal and like I’m not really crazy that all of this is inside my head. And a little so I can be I guess proud of the fact that I can hide my mental illness and they didn’t see it.

But in many ways that has ruined a lot of my best relationships. And made a lot of hurt feelings and broken hearts. And has burned bridges that can never be fixed again. I am not just taking like relationships but only on the lines of friends.

Its stressful sometimes knowing you caused this. And knowing you ruined everything. And you promise yourself that it won’t happen again and you are going to fix this and yourself. And then it never happens because you realize you don’t care enough to do it. Not even for yourself.

It is really hard to fix a problem when the biggest part of it is who you are. And how you grew up and what you experienced.

I am trying to control my negative thinking. And trying to get some kind of control over my demons and trying to conquer them. And it is such a simple idea that is also impossible to achieve. It make take me the rest of my life to figure this out and to get better. And I don’t know how that is but I have to try somehow.

Just remember to breath

Compulsions

I find it harder and harder to control my compulsions.

I have to constantly check if the door is closed, wash my hands all the time,fix my hair over and over again and re folding clothes. And it’s so annoying and tiring. I won’t say it is OCD. But I think it’s close.

It’s hard to control them right when they are rolled in with my depression and all of these other crazy stuff going on in my head.

Even now writing this is causing me to like what to make sure I’m hitting the keys in the right way so they make the right sound. And yes I’m sure this is what crazy feels like.

I’m so lonely and my world feels so small right now.

Just here

I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above the water and I’m trying so hard to trend the water.

I have tried to talk to friends about this but they don’t seem to get it. They think I’m just crazy. I feel like I am going crazy. I’m losing my mind.

All these thoughts tumbling over one other like some crazy washing machine. Getting tangled together and becoming all knotted up. I feel like I’m choking on these thoughts.

Depression

I run away
Depression catches up
It chokes me until I can barely breathe
He lets me breathe enough to slowly suffer
It laughs with joy
As pain fills my chest
I pray for it to just leave me be
But it will never work
I’ve tried and tried to get back up
But depression holds me hostage
It holds me against my will
It holds my last breath in his hands
It’ll never let go
It just lets me walk a few steps away
Lets me think the nightmare is all over
Laughs again knowing it’ll never end
And depression is just right around the corner.

Back to square 1

I’m back to square 1 with the drinking. And I’m scared because I don’t know how I got back here. Like I try to figure it out. But the minute the alcohol touches my lip, I lose all control. I drink till I’m out.

Just found a way out of this cycle of longing for something I want; that I will never get. I can’t be happy. I chose all the bad choices in my life and I lived with them and I am still living with them. And I lost everything already.

This world is so lonely and I don’t know how much longer I can live in it.